The Wonderful World of Wammy's
by BambiLuran
Summary: The Wammy Boys find themselves in the many odd situations that make up their daily life. They have to deal with Near's experiments gone horribly wrong, Matt's fear of arachnids, and mean old ladies who enjoy throwing things. Welcome to The Wonderful World of Wammy's.
1. Secrets

A/N Enjoy!

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"So who do you think it is?" I asked.

"Whoever the hell it is, I like 'em!" Mello said, taking a bite into the chocolate bar he received from a secret admirer.

"Dude that could be, like, poison or something." Mello stared at me blankly and then slowly took another piece.

"But it tastes good...and damnit I'm eating it." He said leaving the room. Hehe...he would never even know...I was his secret admirer. Oh how I love pulling Mello's heartstrings! I sat down at my desk and started to prepare my next poem to him. It read.

Your hair is the color of the sun

Your eyes are endless pools of blue

You are sweet like a honey bun

I love you boo boo

Okay okay, that was even worse than my last one. Damn, this poem stuff is hard. After an extremely long 45 seconds of thinking that up, I attached a chocolate bar to it with a red bow...Now I just have to hide it somewhere my little Yellow Mello will find it...

Hell, I don't have time for this.

"Mello!" I ran outside yelling his name. He was standing there eating his chocolate bar, glaring at Near who was playing with a toy airplane. I waved the note and chocolate in my hand and ran over to him.

"I found this outside of our room!" I said. Mello jumped in the air and a very unmanly squeal escaped his lips. He snatched the note. He smiled as he started to read.

"...These poems are crap." He threw it on the ground and took the candy. I ignored the insult to the work of art that was my poem.

"I hope the chocolate kills you..." I muttered.

"What was that Matty?"

"Nothing at all."

...

The next day, just after breakfast, Near came up to me.

"Matt." The little sheep said.

"Yep?"

"I know it's you." Yes, of course, Near and his big head know everything.

"You can't prove it!" I said. The albino stared at me weirdly and started twirling his hair.

"I want to help you...I can write way better poems than that. Boo boo? Really?"

"Hey! How did you even hear that?" He ignored my question and started to walk away.

"I'll have a poem ready for you in about an hour, come see me then." He said, going up the stairs.

"Why were you talking to him?" Mello appeared behind me and asked.

"Mello...you should get a haircut. You're starting to look like a girl." Near said, coming up from behind us. Wait...I swear he JUST went up the stairs...Hmm...

Mello slapped him. Near slapped him back. Soon enough they were in a stupid looking little girl slap fight. A very amusing slap fight. The other kids started to gather around watching them. I stepped in to break them up but got put into the fight myself.

"Oh no you did not just hit me!" I yelled. After about five minutes of slapping Roger intervened.

"STOP IT YOU LITTLE BRATS! I SAID STOP! ARGH!" Roger yelled. The crowd soon dispersed and the fight ceased. Roger grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and proceeded to yell at ME for the next half hour.

"YOU LITTLE BRAT!"

"Nuh uh!" I argued.

"I CAN'T STAND KIDS!"

"You can't sit me either!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Shut don't go up."

"OH REALLY?! MY FOOT'S GONNA GO UP-"

"Roger what's going on here?!" Quillish Wammy stepped in to save me...I hope.

"Ling Chow Pao here was fighting."

"I'm Matt..." I muttered. Ling Chow Pao...Who the hell is Ling Chow Pao and why have I been confused with him?

"Matt...why were you fighting?" Quillish asked.

"Mello and Near were fighting! And then I was like 'Omgnoguysstop!' and then they started hitting me and I defended myself!"

"Yeah and I'm Beyoncé Knowles..." Roger mumbled. Haha? No. Roger got jokes.

"Roger, put Matt down. Matt you can go." Roger released me and started mumbling something about Jay-Z. I ran off happily to my room.

...

A while later after I knew Mello was far, far away, I ran off to go to Near's. I knocked.

No answer.

"Let me in!" I yelled. The door opened a second later and Near stood there twirling his hair.

"It's ready." He shoved it at me and slammed the door. I ran back to my room and attached it to another chocolate bar. Mello ran in soon after.

"MATTOHMYGOSHIFWATARIISHERE THAT MEANSLMUSTBETOOIGOTTAFIND *breath* HIMLETSGOLOOK!"He yelled. I tried my best to find any trace of English in whatever he just said and failed.

"What?"

"L is here!" He squealed.

"...Hey did you know Roger is obsessed with Beyoncé?"

"Dumbass! Come on!" Mello pulled me out of the room in search of L.

"We have to find him before Near does!" Mello yelled. He looked around frantically. I sighed and pulled out my DS.

A/N Please review!


	2. Poison and New Friends

A/N Enjoy!

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Matt POV

"Matty?" Mello asked. He was laying on his bed staring at the ceiling and eating a chocolate bar.

"Yeah?" I was doing the same thing Mello was except I was staring at my PSP.

"Did you ever notice...Near has been popping up everywhere...like yesterday."

"Yeah. So?"

"We both know there is no way he could move that fast."

"Okay maybe he's a wizard. Big whoop."

"No seriously. He has a doppelgänger."

"You're probably right."

"You don't even care! That means more competition!"

"...Right..."

"You really suck sometimes, Matt."

"Thank you."

TWO HOURS LATER

Matt POV

If that old witch could poison an apple I'm sure I could poison some chocolate. That's it. Mello's chocolate eating ass is about to die. He didn't like my poem so now he dies.

"Hey Near? Wanna help kill Mello?" I asked. He stared at me with his soulless eyes and twirled his air.

"...That's against the law."

"So?"

"So it's wrong."

"Ok but think about how Mello-ish Mello is. So if you think about it we're actually saving lives."

"You're a psychopath. Goodbye." He started to walk away.

How does me wanting to kill my best friend make me a psycho? I'll never understand Near...

After I headed upstairs I saw Mello. He was talking to some guy. I approached them.

"Hey Mels." I said.

"Hey Matt. Ok, as I was saying, and after that I pimp slapped that hoe!" Sometimes Mello makes me facepalm. This is one of those times.

"Who is your friend?" I asked. I was kind of jealous. I seriously thought I was his only friend...

"Oh yeah. Matt this is Ling. Ling, this is Matt." My eyes got big.

"Ling Chow Pao?" I asked.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" Ling asked.

"...Lucky guess." I seriously have no idea how I got confused with this kid. He has neon blue hair and wears extremely tight pink leather. I guess it's because Roger's a dinosaur. Roger go rawr! I whistled awkwardly and walked away.

I almost forgot about killing Mello...Poisoning his chocolate requires so much effort on my part. Actually I probably wouldn't be able to touch his chocolate, without him murdering _me_ first _and_ I don't even know where he keeps his chocolate...it just appears in his hand.

"OHMYGOSHMELLO'SAWIZARDTOO!" I screamed.

1 Hour Later

Okay maybe I don't want to kill him, 'cause then I'll be without a best friend and I'll only have Near. Which would be sad. Being forced to be friends with Near is cruel and unusual punishment and should only be given to the most terrible criminals...like Beyond Birthday. Hm...I wonder how he's doing these days.

Near just stares with his cold heartless eyes. His stare cuts through your soul, at least that's how it feels. The worst part is that now there are two Nears. Also, I have reason to believe the Earth stood still today. I just got a feeling we weren't moving anymore and I told Ling and he was like "Yeah totally man." Oh yeah Ling and I are now friends but I don't think I will allow him to be Mello's friend anymore.

I'm Mello's friend. Period. Ling must die.

Aww man, I've been so busy plotting murder I forgot to give Mello the chocolate and the poem Near wrote! If only I could get away from Mello...He's been pretty clingy today.

"You're clingy." I told him. He slapped me. I flicked his head and he attacked me. I will never understand why I am his friend. He doesn't deserve me!

I was on the floor with a very angry Mello on top of me. At that moment, Ling walked out of his room and his eyes got extremely big.

"Really guys? In the hallway? Plenty of children walk by here..." He walked away shaking his head.

"It's not what it looks like!" Mello and I yelled in unison.

"Or is it?" Near asked. Where did Near come from?!

"Near, stop popping up out of nowhere, you little albino freak!" Mello got up and yelled at him.

"Yo. Mama." Near said slowly. Mello's eye twitched. I got up.

"Near...don't start something you can't finish..." I whispered. Near and I patiently awaited Mello's reply. You could cut the tension with a knife.

"Yo mama is so..." Here we go...

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A/N At this time I would be very happy if you reviewed :)


	3. Yo Mama and Roger's Obsession

A/N Enjoy!

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Matt POV

I shivered at the oncoming battle. Not this. Not again. Not yo mama.

"Yo mama is so greasy she sweats Crisco!" Gasps went around the room and others came up to watch the fight.

"Yo mama is so dirty she jumped in a river and created a mud slide." Near said calmly. The crowd made an "Ohhhhh!" noise. Mello's eye twitched.

"Yo mama is so old that when she was in school there was no history class!"

"Yo mama is so stupid she got stabbed in a shootout."

"Yo mama is so stupid that if you gave her a penny for her thoughts you'd get change back!"

"Yo mama is so fat that she took geometry in high school just because she heard there was going to be pi."

"Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks into a bank they turn off the surveillance cameras!"

"The only way to get from point A to point B is around yo mama's fat ass."

"Go die Near!"

"You die first!" Near yelled. They both stomped off in different directions. Hmm...that outburst was very out of character for Near...

"OHMYGOSH!" I yelled. That must be the fake Near! I ran and pinned him to the wall.

"Get off me!" It couldn't be him. His weird eyes aren't cutting through my soul!

"You're a fake! You're not the _real_ Near!"

"No shit Sherlock. Took you long enough." He said.

"B-but...I knew all along...Anyway, you need to leave!"

"He isn't the real Near?" Ling asked.

"Nope."

"Oh...well...you know what we do to fakes." Ling said and cracked his knuckles.

"Throw him in the circle!" Everyone yelled. I threw him in the circle of people they had made and watched them. They all pulled out sharp weapons. I left before things got weird. As I was running away I could hear them chanting "Sacrifice! Sacrifice!"...hmm...I wonder what they're going to do...

* * *

Today after snooping around in Roger's office I have concluded he is weirdly obsessed with Misa Amane. While Misa is very beautiful, her head is full of hot air. That's just the type of girls old dudes like Roger go for. What is he? He looks 150 years old. And we all know 150 years ago was when dinosaurs roamed the earth...or maybe it was 150 million years ago...then that would mean Roger is 150 million years old!

...I don't doubt it.

Looking through his drawers I found a diary. I would never open it, such an invasion of privacy is dispicable...Meh, who cares about privacy and morals and all that crap? Certainly not me. I flipped to the middle of the book and read.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was another terrible day with those little $%$ U^^&$ *^&^ #%%#^% %^#$^&&-_

What the hell? Wow...I didn't know old people knew all those words...I'm kind of offended.

Flipping through the book, I saw my name wasn't mentioned once. He doesn't even think of me enough to call me a #$^%$. But he mentions Mello PLENTY. Roger burst through the door. I immediately ducked under the desk.

"Abraham...I saw you duck down. GET OUT!" So now I'm Abraham...I remained quiet under the desk.

"I SAID OUT!"

"I am L." I said in my best L voice.

"Argh! I saw you!"

"Roger. What is the problem? I was simply looking for delicious sweets." I continued in my L voice.

"Under my desk?"

"I heard you have yummy things in here." Wait. That didn't sound right. Roger coughed.

"I don't even care who you are anymore just get out." He whined.

"Uh...I hear a fight breaking out, you better go check it out!" I yelled. Roger made a "Humph!" sound and left, slamming the door behind him. I quickly retreated to my room

* * *

That evening Mello and I were just chilling, walking the halls and such...until...we heard thunder and the worst possible thing that could happen at that moment happened. The power went out. I heard screams coming from all over the building. When the lights go out here, bad things happen. People get assaulted, people get robbed, and other stuff. Mello and I ran back to our room in the dark, tripping over people on the way. When we got there Mello opened a drawer and got something out.

"What's that?" I asked.

"My gun." Oh no...

"What did I tell you about shooting people?" I scolded him.

"I don't care. But I'm not getting robbed tonight!" I hope not, last time we got robbed they stole Mello's chocolate and he bitched about it for a week. Ironically, we got robbed because we left our room to go rob other people. Anyway, this place is going to be a war zone until the power comes back.

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A/N Review! Seriously, write in the little box!


	4. Power Outage

A/N Enjoy!

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"Matt, you go steal some chocolate from the kitchen and I'll guard the room."

"Ok Mels, but I'm gonna go pick up some other stuff too."

"May the force be with you."

"And also with you." I grabbed my Mario tote bag from under my bed and ran out into the hall.

"It's dark as hell..." I mumbled. I pulled out my DS and it dimly lit the hall. _Hmm...who has the best stuff?_ I wondered._ Roger!_ I ran to his office as fast as I could and kicked open the door...The room was empty. Shit.

"This fool already got robbed...damn." I made my way to the kitchen to get Mello's chocolate. I rummaged through the cupboards for a while, taking a few bags of popcorn and eventually getting the chocolate. I was on my way back up the stairs to my room when I heard two gun shots. _Mello! Why must you be so violent?_

"HE GOT A GUN!" Somebody yelled. I heard lots of footsteps headed my way and proceeded to run back down and hide under the stairs. I closed my DS so I wouldn't be seen. Gasp! I almost got trampled! Not cool.

I think a riot broke out...All I could hear was screaming and fighting. I couldn't possibly get back up the stairs in all this.

"Everybody stay still and no one gets a cap in their ass!" Mello yelled from the top of the staircase. He came to save me! All movement immediately ceased and I could hear him making his way down the stairs.

"Where the hell are you Matt?!" He yelled. I made an "Eeep!" sound and he came over.

"I thought you were dead or something...where the hell is my chocolate?" I handed him the bag and he pulled me up the stairs. I could hear the fighting continue.

"Damn idiots always fighting and stealing my damn chocolate..." He mumbled as he opened our door. We walked in and both sat on Mello's bed. After sitting in silence for a while, Mello got up and started feeling around the room. A circle of light hit the wall as he turned on the flashlight. He put it in the middle of the room and made it face the ceiling.

"That's better." He said and sat down next to me.

"You know this means we can't sleep tonight?"

"Matty?"

"Yeah?"

"Shutup."

"Ok."

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"I wonder what Ling is doing right now..." Mello said.

"Why are you always so worried about him?" I asked, kind of pissed he kept bringing him up.

"I just don't want him to get hurt or anything..."

"Ok and what if he does?"

"He's my friend, I'll be sad." Sad? Lol...I thought Mello's only emotions were angry and very angry.

"I thought I was your friend..."

"...Are you...jealous?" He asked.

"Why would I be jealous?"

"I knew it! You're jealous! You're jealous of him!"

"Because you're mine!" Was what almost came out of my mouth. What I really said was "Whatever..." I just didn't want to seem all possessive and weird.

"It's okay Matty, you're still my best friend." I pouted, not that Mello could see it.

"Matt, I know you're pouting. Stop."

"Why are you so mean to me?"

"I'm not mean!"

"Uh huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Uh huh!"

"Okay maybe I'm a little mean, but you know I can't help it."

"So you admit it."

"Just shut up!"

"Make me!"

"I'll shoot you!"

"...You're mean."

"I didn't mean it..."

"How can you not mean that?"

"I'm sorry okay?"

"Ok Mels..."

"So we're cool?"

"Duh, we're best friends."

* * *

This morning wasn't as chaotic as last night. When we all rushed to go outside, a dinosaur...I mean Roger stopped us.

"It's raining! You'll all get sick! Stay in!"

"But we have coats and everything..." A little girl whined.

"Yeah boots too!" A little boy yelled. I'll be damned if I'm staying inside all day.

"No!" Roger yelled. We all turned toward the stairs and went back to our rooms. Mello jumped on his bed and started reading a book.

"Hey Mello, wanna go buy chocolate today?" I asked. His head popped up.

"Hells yeah!"

"Find a way for us to get outside." I told him. He put on his thinking face.

"The window."

"If we jump out our window we'll probably die...or just break every bone in our body."

"Near's window." Awesome! Near was on the first floor! We ran down the stairs quickly.

"Where are you two troublemakers going?" Roger asked.

"Up your ass, old man!" Mello yelled. Roger yelled after us but we continued running to Near's room. We proceeded to break in. While in the process of picking the lock, Near opened his door.

"Hey buddy." I said.

"Hello Matt...Mello. Why were you breaking into my room?"

"We wanted to come visit you." I said.

"People usually knock. What do you want?" Mello got impatient and pushed Near down and ran in his room. He pulled me in and opened the window.

"Sorry Near!" I called back as we climbed out.

"Okay so a new candy store opened a few blocks away, Mels." I informed my friend. His eyes got huge and a crazed look filled them.

"CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!" He ran through the rain screaming.

"Mels! You're going the wrong way!" He ran back towards me and we both ran through the rain on our way to the candy store. Mello was still screaming "Chocolate!" like a weirdo...I seriously worry about his mental health...

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A/N Review!


	5. Yup, there's two of 'em

A/N I just realized I haven't been putting disclaimers in this story...well...I don't own Death Note.

NOW ENJOY THIS CHAPTER!

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When we got to the candy store Mello ran in quickly and found the chocolate. When he got as much as he could carry he told me to help.

"Mels, it's not like you need that much, we have a lot back at Wammy's." Mello glared at me.

"Carry. My. Damn. Chocolate." Mello said. Because that's totally how you ask your best friend for a favor. I went and got a cart instead. We found all the chocolate we could and filled it up. Mello ran with the cart to the register...He's just a tad hyper today...

The cashier gave him a weird look and looked back at all the chocolate. Mello glared at her.

"Ahem." I coughed, getting her attention.

"Oh yes...umm...is this it?"

"It depends. Do you have anymore?" Mello asked...he's ridiculous.

"Dude, seriously?"

"No...sir?" OH MY GOSH! This chick is confused about Mello's gender...oh boy...

"Was that a question?" Mello asked her.

"Uhh..."

"I'm a man, damn it. Now give me my chocolate." He said...that was all? Wow I totally thought he would attack her like he did the other lady.

"Yes sir." After what seemed forever she had finally rung all of it up. We had about eight bags of chocolate...but I had to wonder...Why was I carrying five?

When we got back we went through the front door. We headed up to our room and put the bags away. Mello eyed the room suspiciously.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Something ain't right, Matt." I looked under my bed.

"MY DAMN MARIO TOTE BAG WHERE THE HELL IS IT? OH HELL NO I'M KILLING BITCHES TONIGHT!"

"My. Damn. Chocolate." Mello turned to me calmly.

"Matty...I'm killing everybody in this bitch...starting with you...thirty second head start. Go." I ran out of the room and down the stairs, I was making my way to the kitchen until I heard weird noises coming from Near's room. I went in there instead. Oh. My. Glob. There are two of him! I knew I wasn't crazy! And they were hiding chocolate under the bed! Mello's chocolate!

"You little stealing hoes!" I yelled. One of them held up a gun...Mello's gun?

"Bitch get in the closet." This was clearly the fake one...right? They look so much alike! I went in the closet and sat down. OH MY GOSH, I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE! I heard the door open a while later.

"Bitch get in the closet with your friend!" Mello then came and joined me in the closet...

"So what's up, Mels?"

"I'm stuck in this damn small ass closet with your dumbass. That's what's up."

"Yeah I'm bored too."

* * *

One extremely boring hour later they were putting locks on the closet. Mello and I sighed. Then the two ran out of the room. We heard gun shots.

"HE GOT A GUN!" Someone yelled.

"MY LEG!" Someone else yelled. A lot of screaming started and it sounded like another riot.

"This is just great, they're out there having all the fun with my gun." Mello said.

* * *

FIVE HOURS LATER

"I'm so damn bored!" I whined. I heard a shuffling noise in the back of the closet and Mello and I turned to face it. We both let out girly screams at what we saw. Near was sitting in the back of the closet.

"How long have you been there?" I asked. He looked thoughtful.

"About two weeks I think."

"Damn that's before the story even began."

"Mello what did I tell you about breaking the fourth wall?"

"Yeah Mello, it ruins everything." Near agreed.

"So those two are fakes?" I asked.

"Yes..."

"Where did they even come from?" Mello asked.

"I was working on an experiment...and things went wrong..."

The lights flickered back on and the commotion outside stopped.

"Justice will prevail..." Near said and smiled...I've never seen him smile...it's creepy. I wanna get out of here! I'm stuck in here with a murderer and a creep! Help!

"I'm getting out of here." I kicked the door for a good five minutes until it broke. YAY FREEDOM! We all ran out and up to Mello and my room.

"Give me paper and a pencil." Near said. I handed him the materials.

"Okay so what we need to do is..." He trailed off, scribbling on the paper wildly.

"I don't think they're in Wammy's right now, wherever they go they cause trouble...If we don't stop them within a matter of two weeks they could rule the world."

"Seriously?" Mello asked. Near nodded.

"Someone call L."

"Oh yeah let me totally pull out my phone and call L because L just gives out his number." I said.

"Get Roger to call him. This is bad..." I ran to Roger's office and peeked in.

"If I were a booooy!" He sung. What. The. Hell.

"Even just for a daaaay!" He got up and started dancing wildly.

"I'd roll out of bed in the morning and throw on what I wanted and goooo!" I pulled out my phone and started recording him.

"I'd chase after girlsssss! And drink beer with the guuuuys!" He pulled out a Beyoncé life-size cut out from under his desk and started dancing with it. Wait. Maybe Roger is trying to tell me something...That he isn't a boy, perhaps? We all know that he's an icky old dinosaur. Thank you for pointing out the obvious Roger.

I checked my watch. It was only noon. So far today I jumped out a window, went to the candy store, got robbed, almost got killed by Mello, got held hostage, and right now I'm trying to save the world...It has been a_ busy_ day.

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A/N Thanks to ScarredScareCrow for those awesome ideas! Remember, REVIEW this story!


	6. Say what?

A/N I took so long to update...well anyway here you go! A brand new chapter for your eyeballs to read.

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What Roger did next terrified me. He ripped the head off of the cardboard Beyoncé and threw the body on the ground. He started rummaging around in one of his desk drawers for something. He pulled out tape.

This is when it gets weird...So what happened was...he took the tape...and attached Beyoncé's face to his like a mask...and I'm kind of freaking out about it...he really thinks he's Beyoncé. I stood there, mouth agape, until he was finished with the song and shoved all the Beyoncé parts under his desk.

Ok, now whenever I think about Beyonce...I see Roger...I shuddered and turned off my camera.

"Hey Roger, I need help." I walked in and said. Roger groaned.

"Ugh, what is it?"

"Ok, what happened was...a few weeks ago Near was working on a project, right? And so he accidentally created two clones of himself except they are evil and stuff and they were wreaking havoc when the lights went out-"

"Impossible. I would have heard something, the building was entirely silent."...He's joking right? Was he even _in_ the building?

"Ok...and so they locked the real Near in a closet two weeks ago and then today they held Mello and I hostage and then they left us in the closet and they went and shot people and then the lights came back and then we escaped and then Near told us how bad this was and that we need L so now I'm here. Can you call L for me?"

"...I may not be able to remember your name...but I know you're one of the kids who smoke...I don't know _what_ you've been smoking, but I _suggest_ you stop."

"I'm telling the truth!" I yelled. He came over and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Of course you are, Aaron. I'll call Elle now." Yay! Roger's actually being helpful! I ran back to the room and told Near and Mello.

"...They're probably building an army as we speak. We need an army..." Near said.

"Why the hell would you create these things?" Mello asked.

"I told you...an experiment went wrong."

"What the_ hell_ were you making?" I asked. Near ignored me and continued scribbling on his paper.

"We need a car..." Near said.

"I can get one." Mello said.

"How?" I asked.

"I know a guy."

"Do I know him?" I asked. Mello shook his head. Oh no...I knew Mello was involved in some illegal stuff...

"Will it be a stolen car?" Near asked.

"...What's your definition of stolen?" Near sighed. Mello took a bite of his chocolate which he produced from his pocket.

"I can get the car." Near finally said.

"Can I drive?" I asked. Near nodded. Yay! Near pulled out a phone and started making calls. Mello and I proceeded to talk to each other.

"Mels?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think they could really take over the world?"

"Probably. It's not like it's hard."

"Mels?"

"Yeah Matty?"

"Are you gonna take over the world?"

"Possibly...it's on my to-do list."

"Are you gonna rename the world after you take over it?"

"Yeah, Mellotania. I can picture it right now...it's looks a lot like the world now but on every ceiling and in every school there will be at least one poster of me pointing, and the bottom is gonna say 'Mello is watching you' in big letters." Mello smiled evilly.

"...So you're not going for utopia, huh?"

"Nope. It's overrated."

"Our ride is here." Near said. Mello and I exchanged a confused look and followed Near outside. A limo stood outside the Wammy's House gates.

"Oh yeah...we're going to be gone for a while. Mello go get your chocolate." Mello ran inside and was back out in a matter of seconds with two suitcases. We all walked to the limo and got in. Mello and I sat next to each other and Near sat on the opposite side. The limo was huge. It had a mini fridge and other cool stuff.

"Nicole, please take us to our desired location." Near said to the driver. She started driving. While I was watching Near talk to Nicole, somehow Mello had made a television come out of the wall. He turned on the news.

"How did the limo get to Wammy's so fast?" I asked.

"I had already made preparations in case something like this happened." Wow. So Near had planned on unleashing his evil creations to the world.

"What makes you think we'll help you?" Mello asked.

"You got in the car." Mello folded his arms.

"I was just following Matt." I turned my attention to the news. The words 'TWIN TERROR' were printed at the bottom of the screen in big white letters.

"This is Jeannette Waterman reporting live. Right now I'm in front of a random bank of which I do not know the name, but that's not the point! Two identical boys just ran up in this bitch and started shooting. Yes, shooting. No one has been killed, but twelve people have been seriously injured and stuff. Hmm...what's that Steve? Oh my! I have word that they have just stolen a plane and have left the country. I repeat, they have left England, yo. Back to you Bob." The news lady said.

"Nicole. Take us to the airport." Near said.

"Would you like me to prepare a private plane?" She asked.

"Yes."

"Yo Nicki, can you hook a brother up with some food? I be hungry, yo. Fo shizzle." I said. Nicole ignored me.

"Matt, Mello, thank you for joining me on this. I'm certain I couldn't do it alone."...Hehe...I like feeling needed.

"...Denzel or Will Smith?" I asked.

"Will Smith, duh." Mello said.

"Denzel." Near said. Mello glared at Near.

"Will Smith."

"Denzel."

"Bad Boys."

"Man On Fire."

"Come on guys let's just get along..." I said. "They're both good actors..." Mello bit his chocolate bar. Soon after, the limo stopped at the airport. Near, Mello, and I got out.

"Where are we even going?"

"Hmm...let's go to America..." Near said.

"Wait! What? We're leaving the country?" Mello asked. Near nodded.

"They want to make their presence known all over the world."

"So...what I'm imagining is them acting crazy and destroying a city. Probably New York." I said.

"You are correct, then maybe repaint the White House."

* * *

A/N Yes, yes. Review!


	7. I couldn't think of a good title

A/N Enjoy this chapter!

* * *

We entered the airport and were led into a private plane. Five people were sitting in it, a blonde chick, a redhead chick, an old dude, a young dude, and another pretty person who happened to be female and have dark brown hair. They didn't seem to notice our entrance. Near introduced us. The blonde chick was Stacy, the redhead was Mary, the old dude was Kenny, the young dude was Harry, and the girl with the dark hair was Harper.

"Take a seat." Near told us, with his creepy smile. Mello and I sat on both sides of Harper.

"What's up?" I asked her.

"The damn sky, now leave me the hell alone." She's mean...

"I like the sky too." I said. Harper blinked.

"Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough. Keep talking to me and I'll shove this pen so far up your-"

"Matt, leave her alone." Near told me. I never get to have any fun...

"Hi. Wanna be best friends?" Mello asked. Before the girl could respond I started talking.

"No. I'm your best friend. So that leaves friend or girlfriend. But best friend is mine."

"You idiots really don't get it do you?"

"I'm not an idiot I'm third at Wammy's house."

"Well then congratulations on being a big nerd." Harper got up and moved. Haters gonna hate.

"Near, we have a problem." I said. Everyone looked up.

"I don't think I can fit all my sexy in this small plane." Everyone ignored my dilemma.

* * *

After an incident in the cockpit, I had been instructed not to touch, say, or do anything for the rest of the flight by Kenny. I did not escape from Wammy's just to have _another_ old man boss me around. It's strange...I kind of miss Roger...

After arriving in L.A. We got a fancy hotel. I wondered where Near had all the money for this stuff. Mello and I shared a suite.

"We didn't bring any clothes..." I said to Mello.

"Shopping!" Mello screeched...it was extremely girly...Mello coughed.

"Umm...I meant...shopping." He said in a deeper voice.

After we went to the mall we couldn't resist going to the amusement park too.

"The lines are so long..." I muttered.

"Yeah. Too damn long!...Matt I have an idea..." Mello pulled me over to one of the rides. He tilted my head to make me look up at the sky...then he punched me in the throat. I started coughing.

"You bitch." I managed to get out, still continuing my coughing fit.

"Oh no!" Mello yelled. People turned to look.

"You guys might wanna get back! He's extremely contagious!" Mello yelled. Parents near us grabbed their children and ran out of line, which cut it in half.

"What does he have?" A lady asked.

"Umm...West Nile?" Mello said, though it sounded more like a question. That cleared the rest of the line and he dragged me up to the front like nothing happened. I cleared my throat one last time and punched Mello in the face. He held his face for a moment and then uncovered it, he looked crazy now.

"_You. Dumb. Ass. Bitch_." He said and attacked me. We started rolling around and hitting each other. Security eventually pulled us apart and threw us out of the park. Standing outside of the park, we started to laugh. We became hysterical after a while.

"That was fun." Mello said.

"Very fun...my throat kind of hurts..." I said.

"My face kind of hurts..." Mello smiled. We headed back to the hotel and put away all the stuff we had in the new suitcases we bought. My phone rang.

"Yo." I answered.

"Matt. It's Near. Meet me in the lobby, bring Mello." He hung up. I grabbed Mello and dragged him to the lobby. Mello, Near and I got into another limo.

"Nicole, please take us to our desired location." Near said. I went across the car and put my face into the window that separated us from the driver.

"Hi Nicki, 'member me?" I said. Nicole nodded.

"...Matt...I can't drive with your face in the window." Nicole said. Mello pulled me back into my seat.

"Why do you insist on harassing young women?" Near asked me.

"Harassing Mello doesn't bring me joy anymore."

"Where are we going?" Mello asked.

"Well...we need high-powered weapons to take them down...they're nearly indestructible." Near said.

"Yay! I get to use high-powered weapons!" I yelled. Near shook his head.

"No. Mello, Nicole and I get to use high-powered weapons. You get to hack." Woot! Woot!

"Do I get to play with the high-powered weapons?" I asked. Near tilted his head.

"Maybe. Right now we're going to meet a man who can help us." The rest of the ride was silent except for Mello eating chocolate. When we got out of the car we were led to a seemingly empty building. Near pushed open the double doors and we all went through. A tall pale man stuck his head out from behind a door.

"Uh, just a minute." He said. He had an English accent. Near stood there twirling his hair until the man came out with a big case. He handed it to Near.

"Be careful with those. They're some of the best I've got." The man said. Near replied with a nod and we all got back in the limo. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I looked at it, I had a text from Mello it read:

LOL THAT BOX IS ALMOST BIGGER THAN HIM, MATTY! -Mello

LOL UR RITE!-Me to Mello

What is Mello saying about me?-Near

He is talking about how dashing you look in that shirt-Me to Near

Near just sent me a thank you text...why?-Mello

I have no idea-Me to Mello

The TV screen turned white and an L appeared on it. Oh boy...

"Matt. Mello. Near. Where are you? Why does Roger think he is a single lady? What have you done?" Near and Mello turned to me and waited for me to respond to it.

"Umm...what happened was...IT'S ALL NEAR AND MELLO'S FAULT! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! I WAS JUST DRAGGED INTO IT! I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE!"

"...Is that so?" L asked.

"Yeah, L..."

"Are they in the car with you?"

"No, sir."

"Hm...I will come get you then." I panicked and turned off the TV.

"WHAT NOW MAN? I'M FREAKING OUT!" Mello yelled at Near.

"Nicole, change hotels immediately and put it under the alias Paul Williams." Near said.

"...That name sounds familiar..." I said.

"You mean Paul from The Young and the Restless?" Mello asked.

"You still watch that show, Mels?"

"...No."

"Yes, that is the Paul I'm talking about." Near said.

"Hehe...Mello and Near watch soap operas..." Yeah...they're weird. So apparently we're going to try to hide from L. How does one go about hiding from the world's greatest detective? It seems we're about to find out...

* * *

A/N Review! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I WANT EVERYONE WHO READS THIS STORY TO REVIEW! Tell me if you love it or if you just think it sucks! OKAY BYE NOW!


	8. That Lady

A/N Enjoy this chapter!

* * *

Near was making lots of calls while Mello and I panicked.

"What if he catches us?" Mello asked.

"I don't know!"

"Matty...I tied up Roger before we left."

"Why are we panicking? Isn't L going to help us?"

"No he's gonna make us go back to Wammy's while he has all the fun!"

"I don't wanna go back!"

"No one's going back anywhere. We just need to stay on the move. I have a plan, if we follow it we likely won't be caught." Near said. The car pulled into very dark garage...and crashed.

"Get out on your left!" Near yelled. We got out and I bumped into another vehicle, I felt for the handle and we all jumped in.

"Nicole, leave through the tunnel!" Near yelled. The car started moving quickly through the dark.

"Matty?"

"Yeah Mels?"

"...Get your hand off my ass."

"...My hand isn't on your ass..."

"Then who-" We soon realized there was a fourth body in the back of the car. Near took out a flashlight and pointed it at our unwanted guest.

"It's a hobo!" Mello yelled. There was a man, dressed in rags, with his head laying on Mello's lap. I pulled Mello away.

"He was molesting me!" Mello yelled.

"How the hell did a hobo get in here?" I asked Near. He shrugged.

"Well, it looks like we have to keep him. We can't just throw him out." Near said. The man growled at us. Mello was currently using me as a human shield, and we were crushed up against the wall. The man inched toward us on all fours.

"Matty kill it!" Mello yelled.

"He might kill me first!" I yelled.

"Please don't kill anyone in here...it would be a pain to get out the blood stains." Near said. The man then proceeded to bang his head against the floor.

"He's a loon." Mello said.

"We're leaving the city." Near said. Mello and I stayed against the wall until the man fell asleep. The car stopped near a doorway of bright light and we all got out (minus Mr. Hobo Dude). We were in an airport. We followed Near to the plane and sat down. All the people from the last trip were on here again. I turned to Mello.

"Are you okay?" I asked him. He nodded.

"I just...don't like being touched against my will." He looked down. Poor little Mello.

"Aww, come here Mels." I hugged him. He sat there pouting and I let go. The plane ride was mostly silent until Mello freaked out.

"WE CAN'T HIDE FROM HIM! HE FINDS EVERYONE!" I grabbed him by his collar.

"DUDE! I KNOW YOU WANNA BE THE NEXT L! SO YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO THINK LIKE L! THINK, DAMNIT!" I yelled in his face. Mello got in one of the chairs and hugged his knees like L does when he sits. Mello bit his thumb. Near watched him with amusement in his eyes.

"Ok, we need to get rid of our phones and any other electronic devices."...He's lost his damn mind if he thinks I'm going to get rid of my PSP or my DS.

"And...we need to look different." Ohhh makeovers! I glanced at my watch. 11 pm. This day has been soooo long. Ugh.

"I don't think we need to go that far, we just have to make sure he can't track us, and we'll just leave our phones in the plane." Near said. After that I fell asleep. When I woke up it was dark and everyone was asleep in their chairs except for Mello and Near who appeared to be having a staring competition. After watching them for fifteen minutes I decided to comment on the situation.

"Mello, just give up. Near doesn't ever need to blink."

"I'm gonna win." Mello said. I haven't eaten since breakfast...I'm sooooo hungry! I eventually got tired of looking at them and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up we were landing and it was light outside. Mello was shaking me.

"Matt! Matt! Wake up now!" He was screaming in my face.

"I hear you..." I mumbled. Near and Mello were standing in front of me. Near was looking at his phone.

"I got a message from them. They're going to destroy New York like you said." Near explained. Destroying New York City is so cliche...but what else can you expect from two them?

"But they aren't just destroying New York City...they want to destroy the entire state." Oh...yeah...I underestimated them then...

"That's not good...where are we?"

"New York." Near and Mello said in unison.

"...Are we gonna fight them?" I asked.

"Possibly..." Near said, twirling his hair.

"...Do I get to use high-powered weapons?"

* * *

After we checked into a hotel I took a shower and stuff and then we ordered room service. Mello got some chocolate stuff and I got an apple pie. Our room was huge, two stories. After exploring the hotel with Mello I came back and played a new video game I got. Zombie Mayhem 3.

"Matt..."

"Wait a minute."

"Matt."

"I said wait...I just have to kill this chick...and this guy...and the rest of them..."

"Matt. You've been playing for 8 hours straight."

"Impossible...Zombies can't run that fast..."

"Oh my gosh..."

"It's a vampire!"

"Matt?"

"She's chasing me! Run little man, run!"

"You're hopeless."

"Mello, leave me alone."

FOUR HOURS LATER

Mello just dragged me away from the TV...It was rude. Now we're about to go eat at a restaurant called Le Food. It's a buffet...I can't help feeling something will go wrong...

"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." -Murphy's Law

I've always hated that...

Mello, Near, and I got into the limo and drove to Le Food. The ride would have been silent if Mello wasn't munching his chocolate and Near wasn't making "Vrooooom." noises with a toy car.

Once we got in the restaurant we got a table and got up to get food. As I was about to get a slice of apple pie a little girl walked up to me and kicked me in the shins.

"Damn you!" I yelled at her. She started crying and ran off. I got back to the table and everyone was back already. I sat next to Mello. Before I could even take a bite of my apple pie the little girl was back with a...female?

"Mama! That's him!" The girl yelled. The woman proceeded to yell at me.

"Who the hell do you think you are, yelling at my little angel?" I laughed.

"First of all your little demon brat here kicked me in my shins. Now leave me be."

"Oh hell no!" She yelled.

"Don't make me say it again."

"You ain't gonna do shit! I wish you would! I'll knock you out so fast-"

"Shut the hell up! I know your fat ass sees me here eating this damn chocolate! Now get out of my sight!" Mello yelled.

"Little girl stay out of this!" Mello's eye twitched. I really hated being the only thing between him and her right now.

"DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU!" I saw Mello's hand flinch toward his gun. The lady gasped.

"How rude!"

"You're being rude by ruining my meal with your ugliness. And tell your brat to stop looking at me before I cut her pigtails off!"

"You're not gonna TOUCH my baby!"

"You're right. I wouldn't wanna catch anything." My best friend is being so mean. The lady grabbed my apple pie and threw it at him. He ducked and it hit the chick at the table next to us. Then she threw some corn at the other lady and then...there was food flying everywhere. Mello and Nicole pulled out their guns and then ducked under the table. Near was playing with his car in all the chaos. Mello pulled me under the table.

"I swear if any of this stuff gets in my hair..." Mello said. Nicole nodded.

"Yeah, everybody will leave with caps in their asses." I laughed. Wait no...I can't laugh at her. She's an OC...Ahem...What I meant was...she is...shutup! Mello and Nicole shielded their hair with their arms.

"We have to get out of here." Near said, joining us under the table.

"Yeah...I have an idea..." I said. I got up, pulled out my gun and shot at the ceiling. It made a big "POP!" noise...nothing stopped. Hm...that always works in the movies...

I got back under the table.

* * *

A/N I love reviews! Review!


	9. Matt? Don't Look Down

A/N Read, enjoy, review.

* * *

After we left the restaurant and went back to the hotel Near came to our room and told us that we're checking out tomorrow. After I beat Zombie Mayhem 3 I started playing Zombie Mayhem 4. The difference? More zombies.

After a while Mello started playing with me. I eventually got tired of being on a team with him so we split up. Mello is kind of good at this but I'm the best.

"Game over, Matty."

"Wait! What?"

"Game over. I won."

"That's not fair Mello! I was thinking!"

"I still won." I attacked him.

The next morning we checked out and went to a different hotel about an hour away. As I was getting out of the car my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hi." The voice said...it sounded like Batman...

"Uh...who is this?"

"Beyond Birthday."

"...Are you gonna murder me?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"For giggles."

"Dude!"

"Where are you?"

"I'm not telling you!"

"Why?"

"Because you wanna murder me!"

"Oh yeah."

"Dude!"

"I'll find you."

"No!"

"Yeah."

"What if I kill you first? I can trace the call."

"Hm...that's a good idea...see you soon." OH MY GOSH HE'S GONNA TRACE THE CALL AND KILL ME!...A little kid walked past me and I slipped my phone in his back pack. Problem solved.

"Hey wait! I need food! Let's go to the store!" I yelled.

"No. We need to get ready." Near said.

"For what?"

"...Matt. Have you forgotton the whole reason why we're here?"

"...No."

Near sighed.

"We're in New York. We're about to go find them and kill them...you can stay in the car for that part."

"Why do I have to stay in the car?"

"Because I said so!" Near is bossy...

"Do you like Nicki Minaj?" I asked Near. He tilted his head.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" He asked.

"You're so random, Matt!" Mello yelled, jumping out of the car.

"Ohhh...look at that tall building!" I yelled. The hotel was huge. Our suite was two stories and had a full kitchen and other cool stuff.

"They're here!" Near burst in yelling. He had the suitcase with the cool weapons in it. He opened it and threw little guns at Mello and me.

"What the hell is this little wannabe water gun looking thing supposed to do?!" Mello yelled. Near picked up one and aimed at the wall...It blew a hole in it...and now the hole was on fire...Sigh.

"Great job Near." I muttered. We evacutated the hotel and went to a new one. Near gave me this water/laser/torch/explosive gun for a reason, right? So he doesn't still expect me to stay in the car? Hehe...Matt wins again.

"Matt is awesome!" I yelled in the hallway of the hotel. It made an echo. You know what's weird? I don't think anybody is in this hotel other than us.

You know what else is weird?

That I'm asking _you_ questions about my personal life...You probably don't care anyway.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt! So sexy it hurts! And I'm too sexy for my-" I covered Mello's mouth. His words made an echo.

"...Have you seen any other people here?" I asked him. He shook his head.

"Just the guy at the front desk and he looked pretty shady."

"True...very shady." Mello looked at me in shock.

"Umm...Matty?...Don't look down..." I started to get scared.

"Why?" I whispered.

"...Just wait...I'm gonna kill it..." He pulled out the gun Near gave him. I looked down.

"AH TARANTUALA! IT'S GONNA EAT ME! HELP ME! MELLO! DON'T SHOOT A HOLE IN ME! MY LIFE SUCKS!" I ran down the hallway screaming. Mello chased after me.

"Stay still, Matt!" I turned a corner.

"IT'S ON MY LEG! HELP! IT'S CRAWLING! HELP! JUST DON'T SHOOT ME! KILL IT!" I shook my leg repeatedly, the big spider wouldn't get off of me.

"GO GET THE BUG SPRAY! EXTRA STRENGTH FOR _REALLY_ BIG BUGS! THIS IS A REALLY BIG BUG! ON MY LEG! HELP! AHHHHH!"

"Near...we need some bug spray...like, for _really_ big bugs..." Mello said through his phone.

"MY SHIRT! MY SHIRT! IT'S ON MY SHIRT! HELP ME! MELLO GET IT!"

"Stay still." I stopped running and let Mello come toward me. I closed my eyes.

"It's gone now." I opened my eyes. The spider was gone...where'd it go?

"...What did you do with it?" I asked.

"...Do you really need to know?"

"...No."

* * *

A/N Review? Review!


	10. Hostage

A/N Enjoy

* * *

Eventually I calmed down about the whole spider incident and after that I took a nap...I had a dream.

"Yo...Yo Mello..." I whispered. I was trying to wake him up.

"We have to go to the store and buy the chocolate..." He murmured.

"Dude stop being weird and wake up!"

"I am your father..."

"...Mello?" He finally opened his eyes.

"What do you want?"

That was the whole dream. Yeah, it was boring. I just thought I should inform you about it.

I woke up, Near and Mello were leaning over me.

"...Were you guys watching me sleep?" I asked. They looked at each other and then back at me. Mello shook his head.

"...No...why would we be doing that?"

"Because you're both creeps!"

"We have to go now, they've destroyed a lot of the city and they are coming our way."

"Why did you let them destroy the city?!" Mello asked in shock.

"...In the movies they always destroy part of the city and THEN you go find them." Near explained.

"So we're just gonna stand outside and wait?" Mello asked.

"...Pretty much."

...

After we got our guns we went outside and waited. After about an hour I started to hear a rumbling noise.

"...Do you guys hear that?"

"Hear what, Matty?"

"...Umm...guys? The ground is vibrating slightly..."

"And now it's vibrating a lot." Mello said...and now I see a giant robot.

"IT'S A FRIGGIN AUTOBOT!" A little boy yelled.

"Oh my gosh...it looks like Near." Mello whispered. My phone started vibrating. I looked at it.

YO! IT'S NAME IS GOLIATH! YOU LIKE?!- Near's clones

"It's name is Goliath...let's kill it!" I yelled.

"IT'S 200 FEET TALL! HOW'RE WE GONNA KILL IT?!" Mello yelled. We all proceeded to blow fiery holes in it with our guns...all we acheived was making it angry. It backhanded the building in front of our hotel. Mello started pushing me back toward the hotel.

"It's falling! Run!" He yelled. Goliath fell backward and into another building.

"They have to be dead after all that?...Right?" I asked. Near shook his head.

"They are nearly indestructable." Now he tells us.

"We shall kill it with fire." Mello said.

"No! We need to kill it with ice!" I yelled.

"I wonder if they're actually in there..." Near said.

"Dude...seriously? We just killed a giant robot and now you're being negative." I said.

"Let's go investigate." Mello and I shook our heads. Near is crazy if he thinks I'm gonna go any closer to that thing than I already am.

"Hey...what if they teamed up with Beyond Birthday?" Mello asked.

"Dude...that's nightmare fuel."

"It was just a joke." Just a joke? Seriously Mello?

I'm tired.

"Mello, I'm tired."

"You just woke up."

"Well excuse me for being tired after fighting a giant robot."

"I could use some chocolate..." He pulled a chocolate bar out of his back pocket.

After that we went BACK to the hotel and took a nap. When I woke up I smelled...a weird smell. I opened my eyes.

"Oh boy..." I whispered. I wasn't in my room. I was in a hospital room, tied to the bed with licorice...this is so weird. Near walked in.

"I see you're awake." He said.

"Why am I tied down with licorice? Why are you giving me that look? Is this some weird fantasy?" He laughed...evily...Since when does Near laugh?...Oh crap.

"You're not the REAL Near!" I yelled.

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

"Shut up!"

"No you shut up!"

"No you!"

"No you!"

"Your mom's face!...Oh yeah that's right! You don't have one!"

"...You're an orphan."

"...Oh yeah...but at least I wasn't created in the science lab!"

"As far as you know..."

"Shut up!"

"Bite me!"

"I just might!"

"You're tied down with candy!"

"I'm scared now."

"I'm just gonna hold you hostage until we can dispose of our creator."

"...Dude...YOU'RE GONNA HOLD ME HOSTAGE?!"

"Is that really the only part of that sentence that disturbed you?"

"I guess...can I play Zombie Mayhem 4?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Maybe."

* * *

A/N Please review! It would make my day...and probably make me update faster!


	11. Still Hostage

A/N I don't own the songs in this chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

"Dude."

"Don't call me dude."

"Do you guys realize this is the second time you've held me hostage?"

"Yup."

"Dude."

"DON'T CALL ME DUDE! I AM THE SUPREME OVERLORD OF THE NEW WORLD!"

"...what?"

"Forget it."

"If I'm not playing Zombie Mayhem 4 in the next ten minutes, I'm going to hurt you."

"You're tied to a bed with licorice! Please explain to me how you plan to do that!"

"...I hadn't thought that far ahead...get out and leave me alone!" I yelled.

"Whatever." He muttered and left. I started to eat my way out of the licorice. Now I can finally reach my DS! I played it. I played it GOOD. REAL GOOD!

After I beat the game I started to wonder where Mello was. I kind of missed him and his mood swings.

How did I get kidnapped anyway?

"You, change your mind, like a girl, changes clothes. And you! Pms! Like a bitch! I would know!" Someone sung.

"I'M SLEEPING OVER HERE! SHUT UP!" I yelled. One of Near's creations walked in.

"What is your issue?!" It yelled.

"...My cereal doesn't fill up the bowl..." I explained.

"...What does that mean?" It asked.

"Umm...cinnamon."

"You're so weird!" It screamed at me and left...What just happened?

* * *

Meanwhile...

Mello's POV

Where the hell is he? I know he's hiding because he stole my flat-iron. This won't be forgiven! How the hell am I supposed to do my hai-...Oh wait...nevermind. It's in my bag...

* * *

The two Near clones came in and tied me up with rope.

"Dude. I'm gonna get rope burn."

"DON'T CALL ME DUDE!" They both yelled. I sighed.

"Ok, bye. We're gonna blow this place up now." One of them said...that's not good.

"...You're leaving me?...And blowing me up?"

"Yeah."

"No!"

"Yes."

"What do I do after you blow it up?" I asked.

"You die!"

"...No, I'm pretty sure you stop, drop, and roll in that situation."

"You're hopeless! For a genius you're pretty dumb!"

"Don't call me dumb. It makes me wanna hurt you."

"Just shut up, okay."

"I'm the type of girl you wanna chew up on my bubble gum, I'm the type of girl you wanna take to yo mama house! Take, take, take, take, take to yo mama house!" I sung.

"You're the only frigging hostage I ever thought about returning! I feel really bad for Near and Mello if they have to put up with you all day!"

"I feel bad for your face!" I yelled.

"...Oh no you did not just go there."

"Oh, yes I DID. I went there and came back with a souvenir."

"You're so weird!"

"I'm also extremely handsome. Thank you for noticing."

"His face _is_ kind of nice..." The other one said. They both walked out. I DON'T WANNA GET BLOWN UP!

I heard them stop walking.

"Why y'all up in my building yo?" A deep voice said.

"Umm..."

"Get out fo' I gotta open a can of whoopass!"

"A can of whoo-" There was a crash sound.

"Want another can?" The deep voice said.

"No sir..." One of the Nears whimpered.

"Cause I got plenty left. Now get your small self out my abandoned hospital." This hospital is abandoned? Why?

"Excuse me, Mr. Dude." I peeked out into the hallway and said. This dude was, like, 10 feet tall. Both of the clones were in the wall. IN the wall.

"Get your skinny ass out my abandoned hospital." I then proceeded to get my skinny ass out of his abandoned hospital. I ran...I had no idea where I was going. I pulled out my phone and called Mello.

"MATTWHERETHEHELLHAVEYOUBEEN? IWASLOSINGMYMIND-" I put the phone down for a second because his screaming was hurting my ear. I pulled it back up.

"ANDTHENIWASSCREAMING! ANDAREYOULISTENINGTOME? COMEBACKHERENOW! MATTIKNOWYOUHEREME! IWASSLEEPINGANDTHEN-" I hung up on him. He called me back and continued screaming.

"ANDIHADABAGELANDI'MSOUPSETITHOUGHTYOUWEREDEAD! SOISCREAMEDALOT...So how are you?"

"...I'm okay..."

"Where are you?"

"...I have no idea."

"Ask somebody."

"Uh...okay sure." As I was walking back to the abandoned hospital, people were running out of it screaming...and then it blew up. I gasped.

"Hey kid, where am I?" I stopped a little boy.

"Hell if I know." He said and ran off. Useless child. Some people were running into a van and I ran in with them. I stayed in the back and tried not to make any noise. A little girl turned to me.

"Who are you?" She whispered.

"...Uh...Uncle Steve..." She hugged me.

"I KNEW you weren't dead, Uncle Steve. Will you play with me and read me stories again? Just like you used to?"

"Yeah...totally."

"What's your favorite color?"

"Red, I guess."

"Favorite food?"

"My favorite type of food is free."

"How old are you, Uncle Steve?"

"...How old do you think I am?"

"You look like a teenager right now, but it's really dark in here. But I'm pretty sure my mom said you're 65."

"I am 65."

"You don't look like it. What happened?"

"...Umm...magic."

"Magic?"

"Yeah sure."

"Can you teach me how to use magic too?"

"Amanda! Who are you talking to?" The person in the passenger seat asked.

"Uncle Steve!" Amanda yelled. Oh no.

"Uncle Steve died last year, honey."

"But he's back here..."

"Shut your face hole little girl!" I whispered to Amanda. She nodded and said sorry.

"Nevermind. I was just joking." Amanda explained. I really hadn't thought this through. This car could be headed anywhere. What if I didn't get back? What would they do without me? Who would Mello be able to trust in a blackout? Who would he be able to run away from Wammy's with? Who would he be held hostage with? These questions haunted me.

* * *

Matt: Review this chapter.


	12. Van

A/N Enjoy!

I don't own Death Note.

* * *

Oh my gosh...what am I going to do? I tried not to panic.

"Uncle Steve, why are you shaking?" Oh yeah, I almost fogot about that little girl. We had been riding for about a half hour in silence.

"I have to stop this van..." I said to myself. Amanda got a crazed look in her eyes.

"No. You're not leaving me again."

"Leave me alone."

"Bitch did you hear me?" Wait...did she just call me what I think she called me?

"You did not just-"

"Yeah I went there. You're staying with me." She said. I called Mello and informed him of the situation. He asked to talk to Amanda.

Amanda POV

"Hello?" I said after receiving the phone.

"Hey little girl. Wanna be friends?"

"...I can't talk to strangers."

"Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet."

"What about that guy who stole my laptop? He's not a friend. What about the lady who ate my mashed potatoes? She's not a friend either."

"..."

"Hello?"

"Oh yeah...I demand you give me fifty dollars."

"What? Why?"

"I'm going to give you a bad hair cut and then die it all green."

"Leave me alone, meanie!" I shoved the phone back at Uncle Steve. That guy on the phone was really rude.

Matt POV

"Where am I?" I asked Mello.

"How should I know?! It's your fault you got lost! Only an idiot would just jump into a random van!"

"Should I leave?"

"No Matt just live in the van. Of course you leave!" I heard voices in the background.

"Who's that?" I asked.

"Near says he can find you..."

"...How?"

"He can track you."

"He put a tracking device on me?!"

"He asked why would he want to track you." So basically he avoided the question.

"Tell the little twit to just find me already!" I whisper/yelled.

"Near says he's not a twit."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Okay, we see where you are but you're moving pretty fast...so stop."

"I hopped in a van and no one knows I'm back here."

"Matt! They could be anybody!"

"I know that's why you need to come get me."

"Okay, we're getting in the car now. Bye." I hung up and sighed...I wonder when Near even got close enough to me to put a tracking device on me...or maybe it's _in_ me...Now I'm a little freaked out.

The car stopped.

"What's going on?" The man in the driver's seat asked to someone outside.

"We have to inspect your car." Mello said...The man looked nervous. "I hear you have some illegal stuff in there."

"Illegal stuff?" The man asked.

"Where were you on the day of the 25th of April?" Mello asked.

"I don't remember..."

"That's what they all say. Get 'em boys." Mello said. The car started shaking and the back door flew open. Near was standing there...did he do that? Mello appeared. He dragged me out of the car and hugged me.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU! YOU HAD ME WORRIED! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! I HATE YOU MATT!" I love you too Mello...not.

"Hell no. Uncle Steve is staying." Amanda jumped out and declared. Mello glared at her and finally let go of me.

"Little girl."

"You're the guy from the phone."

"You're the chick from the phone."

"You look like a girl."

"You look like an ugly girl."

"You look like your mom's face."

"I'll ignore that. You look like..." Mello tried to think of a good name. "YOU'RE A STUPID HEAD!"

"IDIOT!"

"MORON!"

"PIG!"

"COW!"

"MEANIE!"

"I'M MEAN? YOU'RE MEAN!"

"NO YOU!"

"NO YOU!" I realized everyone from the car had gathered in a circle and started chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

They ran to attack each other but were stopped shortly after. I pulled Mello back and a boy from the car pulled Amanda back.

_BOOM!_

* * *

Ok so that boom thing you just read was Mello's foot hitting my face. After that we had a fight, Amanda broke us up and punched Mello and then she ran. Because Mello never exercises, he has no stamina. He blamed his inability to run on me. Apparently it's my fault for forcing him to eat chocolate all day.

"_Lying will get you no where_." I explained to him. After discussing the meaning of meaning for a while we went to a new hotel. A hotel with people in it.

Right now I'm going to bed...I've had a long day.

* * *

L: Review this story...

Fangirl:...OMGZ IT'S L OMG I LOVES YOU L! *runs after him*

L: Ahem. Excuse me. *runs*

Light: Where are my fangirls at?

Matt: Why are you guys in our story?

Mello: Seriously. It says Matt and Mello not L and Pumpkin Head.

Light: Who's Pumpkin Head?

Matt: I'm assuming you.

Light: Don't call me Pumpkin Head, blondie.

Misa: Misa didn't call you Pumpkin Head.

Matt: He meant the other dumb blonde.

Mello: I'm a genius.

Misa: Misa isn't dumb.

Matt: Misa sounds dumb.

Mello: Misa acts dumb.

Matt: So Misa must be dumb.

Misa:...I don't get it...

Light: Yes. We know. Everything is an enigma for you.

Misa: What's an enigma?

Matt: We'll tell you at the end of the next chapter.

L: Please review.

Matt:...Wasn't Pumpkinhead a movie?

Mello: How should I know?

Light: It was a movie.

Bambi: I don't own that either.

L: If you all keep talking, everyone will forget to review. So I will say it again. One last time. Please review.

Matt: What if we talk anyway?

L: I'll kick you.

Everyone is now very quiet.

Matt: *whispers* I think I just felt the earth stop turning...


	13. It's not really over

Mello:...L is back.

Light:*unenthusiastic* Yay.

Misa: Will you tell Misa what that big word means now?

Matt: I said I would tell you at the END of the chapter.

Misa:...oh

Matt: Hehe...

Light: Stop talking, Matt. I wanna know what happens next in the story.

Mello: You're really interested in our story?

Light:...It's okay.

Misa: Misa likes it!

* * *

I don't own Death Note.

* * *

"Ok Near, how do we kill these things?" I asked. We were having a meeting.

"Well, they're headed to Washington...to repaint the White House...that's what they told me anyway."

"...Once again I shall ask. How do we kill them?"

"Their weakness is water."

"WE'VE BEEN RUNNING AROUND LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL THE THINGS YOU CREATED AND YOU'RE TELLING US WE CAN KILL THEM WITH WATER GUNS?!" Mello yelled. Near nodded.

"...This is kind of depressing...when they locked us in the closet I just happened to have a water gun...all of this could have been prevented." I murmured.

"And now they're terrorizing the whole world...which sucks. On the news it says they're taking more hostages, they want four trillion dollars for some reason." Mello said.

"That's a lot of money..." We all said in unision. It was quiet for a while, everyone was thinking. Near pulled out a puzzle and Mello pulled out a chocolate bar.

"Now is no time for eating. Now is no time for playing. This is war. We shall destroy them. This...is...SPARTA!" I yelled.

"...What?" Everyone said.

"Stop being lazy and load up those water guns. We got stuff to take care of." After getting some new water guns we got on a plane and after an extrememly long time we arrived in Washington.

"THE WHITE HOUSE IS BLUE! DUDE! THE WHITE HOUSE IS BLUE!" A man screamed at me.

"...Interesting." I said. The man started shaking me by my shoulders.

"THE WHITE HOUSE IS BLUE!"

"I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW!"

"WELL NOW YOU DO!"

"WHY ARE WE STILL YELLING!?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"...I'm Matt and I like video games."

"Don't talk to strangers." Mello said, dragging me out of the airport. After driving around for about an hour we saw what everyone was talking about...The White House had been painted blue. We all gasped. I wonder if the president is aware that the White House has been painted blue...I didn't notice my room had been painted white for over a month. While we were staring at the paint, I almost didn't notice the Near clones stalking toward us. OMG! WE LEFT OUR WATER GUNS IN THE CAR!

"You guys better back up or I'll throw you in that big swimming pool we passed!" I yelled at them. They looked confused.

"That wasn't a swimming pool, Matt." Near said...then what was it?

"Boom." Near said. He shot both of them with two really small water guns.

"Ow." They said. Then they melted...it was weird.

* * *

Misa: Wait. What just happened?

Matt: OMG DID THIS CHICK REALLY JUST INTERUPT THE STORY?

Mello: Yeah. She went there.

Near: I just did something awesome and you interupted it. Wow.

Light: Yeah...you pulled a trigger...on a water gun. So cool. *sarcasm*

* * *

"...Now what?" I asked.

"...We go back to Wammy's...I think." Mello said.

"If you think that, you've got another think coming. We just got to America...let's stay for a while."

"Let's not and say we did." Mello said.

"Hmm...what fun can we have here?"

"We need to get back to school, idiot."

"Don't be mean to me, Mels."

"Sorry."

"It's okay." We wandered around aimlessly for a while and then we went to the airport. The plane ride was boring and stuff. When we got back to Wammy's we resumed our boring lives. A week later, there was a knock at the door.

"WHO IT IS?!" I yelled. I didn't want to get up from my comfortable spot on the floor.

"You're so ghetto." Mello mumbled as he opened the door. I paused my game and looked up. It was Roger...he looked angry. After mumbling for a while he finally started speaking English.

"I'm punishing you all." He said.

"...Does Near get a punishment too?" Mello asked.

"No. Just you two. Because you ran away I'm going to..."

"...Going to do what?" I asked.

"Shut up, brat! I'm thinking." We stood there for a while.

"You done yet, old man?" Mello asked.

"Yeah I'm done! You two are gonna go be friends with Mrs. Clark. Ha!"

"...Ew...she's old...isn't she like 200?" Mello asked.

"She's mean too. She likes throwing rocks whenever we walk by her house." Mrs. Clark may be a small old lady, but she's full of anger and hate...and evil.

"You have to go spend at least three hours with her each day until the end of the month." SAY WHAT?!

Roger has lost his mind if he thinks I'm gonna go spend three hours each day with her...THAT'S 90 HOURS! Can he even make us do this?! This is evil!

* * *

Misa: TELL MISA NOW!

Matt: I forgot the word.

Light: The word was enigma.

Matt: Oh yeah. I have no idea what it means.

Light: An enigma is a person, thing, or situation that is mysterious, puzzling, or ambiguous.

Near:...That's the exact same definition from the free dictionary . com

Mello: He looked it up.

Matt: Cheater.

Misa: Misa's Light is not a cheater.

Matt, Mello, Near: Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.

Light: I'm not very fond of pumpkins.

Matt: You're fond of cheating. Cheater.

L: *stares at Matt* Who's a cheater?

Matt: Kira.

L:...

Mello: Hehe...Kira.

Light: I'M NOT KIRA!

Near:...No one said you were.

Matt: Now we have reason to believe you are.

Roger: What's a Kira?

Matt: The dude with the nice hair is Kira.

Roger: Oh, hi Kira. *waves to Light*

Light:...

L:...Write words in that box down there and then press the blue button.

Mello:...In other words, he wants you to review.


	14. Cinnamon

A/N Thanks a lot to everyone who has reviewed, favorited and followed this story!

* * *

L: BambiLuran does not own Death Note.

* * *

After classes today, I went back to my room and took a nap. I was awakened by yelling. I opened my eyes slowly to see a very angry Mello being hit repeatedly with Mrs. Clark's purse.

"You crazy old lady!"

"You boys were supposed to come mow my lawn and feed the chickens! Feed them!"

"Why do you have chickens?!"

"Don't question my purchases!"

"Ow! Stop!"

"I'll stop when I'm good and ready!"...Maybe I should stop this...or just go back to sle-

_BOOM!_

I hadn't had the chance to complete my thought when I was hit upside the head with Mrs. Clark's purse.

"Get up, Matthew!"

"It's Matt, not Matthew..." She hit me again. Mello stepped between us.

"Okay lady. That's enou-" She knocked Mello out. His body made a thud noise as it hit the ground...

"Mels? Dude? You okay, man? It's not nap time, get up." I pushed his arm with my foot. He made no movement.

"Unless you wanna join your friend, you better get down that street and feed those hungry chickens."...How do you feed chickens anyway?

As we were walking down the street, Mrs. Clark nagged me the whole way.

"That young man's leather is too tight."

"All those video games are bad for your eyes."

"I don't like your goggles."

"Your shirt looks stupid."

"...Your face does too."

"Does this look infected to you?"

These are just a few examples of what came out of her mouth. When we got to her door, she turned to me.

"Okay, before we go in, I have to lay out some rules. Don't touch anything, I don't care for your dirt. Don't look at anything. Don't breathe on anything. Okay, let's go in now." So...basically I can't do anything but walk in...and stand there. When we got in, I just stood there, staring at her. She growled and hit me with her purse.

"I SAID FEED THE CHICKENS." She pushed me down some steps and into the backyard. As far as I could see, there were no chickens...While I was spinning around, something caught my eye. I spun back around and saw what it was...

"Amanda?" I asked, staring at the girl.

"Hey, what's up Uncle Steve?"

"AMANDA! DON'T TALK TO THAT FILTHY CHILD!" Mrs. Clark yelled from a window. I sighed. Amanda rolled her eyes.

"SHUT YOUR FACE OLD LADY!" Amanda yelled. What exactly is going on here?...

I don't really care...I just wanna go play Mega Zombie Crusher 4.

"Stupid OCs..." I muttered.

* * *

Light: You can't just break the fourth wall like that.

Matt: Why?

Light: How often do you see me breaking the fourth wall?

Matt: First of all, that sentence broke the fourth wall. Second, you're not exactly a good role model.

Light: Hey! I'm over here trying to create a new world free from evil.

Matt: How's that working out for you?

Light: Meh.

* * *

"Amanda! Is he feeding the chickens?!"

"You don't have any chickens, Grandma!"

"YES I DO!"

"NO YOU DON'T!" After that, Mrs. Clark came out and forced me to feed her nonexsistent chickens. After having a three way staring competition for about an hour, she released me. I ran to my room happily. Mello was on his bed, reading a book...I'm fairly certain he had been knocked out...

* * *

Mello: Ha! I'm alive!

Light: Yeah...you survived an old lady ass kicking...

* * *

"You okay now, Mello?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah. I faked the whole thing." I blinked.

"Okay, but next time it's my turn."

"'Kay, sure."

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

So after classes today, Mello and I went chocolate shopping. It didn't go well. Mello got into an argument with a guy at the candy shop. The guy said said that licorcice was better than chocolate...I think you all can probably guess what happened.

But for those of you who can't, I shall have a flashback just for you.

_I could tell Mello was about to embarrass me again. He's the reason we change candy shops every other week._

_"Oh heeeeeell no!" Mello said._

_"Oh heeeeeeell yeeeeeees!" The guy said. I sighed and payed for the cart full of chocolate. Once it was payed for, the cashier and I turned to watch the argument._

_"Oh heeeell no! You can't just say licorice is better than chocolate! CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST!"_

_"LICORICE!"_

_"I SAID CHOCOLATE!"_

_"YOU AIN'T RUNNIN' NOTHIN' UP IN HERE!"_

_"I'M RUNNIN' THIS WHOLE OPERATION, SON!"_

_"YOU NEED TO RUN YOUR FAT SELF ON A TREADMILL!"_

_"I'M NOT FAT!"_

_"FAT MAN!"_

_"I ALREADY TOLD YOU! I'M NOT FAT!"_

_"THEN WHY ARE YOUR CLOTHES SO TIGHT?!"_

_"...That's the way I bought them..."_

_"NO! IT'S BECAUSE YOUR FAT! FAT, FAT, FATTY, FAT!"_

_"I'M NOT FAAAAAAT!" Mello screeched and attacked the poor guy. The cashier and I tried to break them up, but Mello had latched onto the man's hair and refused to let go. This is why you don't argue with chocoholics in a candy shop. When we finally lifted Mello off of him, the guy had some bald spots and Mello had two fistfulls of hair. This is why I can't take him anywhere._

* * *

Mello: What do you mean you can't take me anywhere?

Matt: Umm...

Matsuda: I think he's talking about how we all went to lunch last week.

Mello: YOU WENT WHERE?!*angry*

Matt: Matsuda, you idiot!

L: Mello would have liked it. There was delicious chocolate.

Mello:*really angry**glares at Matt*

Matt: Thanks a lot, L.

* * *

"Matthew! Mello! You're late again!" Mrs. Clark ran in the dining hall while we were eating dinner. The crazy woman hit me with her purse. People were staring.

"GET UP AND TEACH MARIE TO SING!"

"WHO'S MARIE?!" Mello yelled at her. She hit him in the head.

"MARIE IS MY CHICKEN!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Mello yelled. She hit him again.

"WATCH YOUR MOUTH! WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY?!"

"I DON'T KNOW! GO FIND HER AND ASK HER!" While they were arguing, I took the opportunity to sneak out of the dining hall and hide in Near's room. I pushed everything out of his toybox and jumped in. I heard the door open a while later. I peeked out and saw Near looking confusedly at his toys. He started walking toward the toybox...Maybe if I stay REALLY still he won't see me...

He opened the toybox, sighed, and closed it again.

"Are you hiding from that crazy woman?" He asked.

"Yeah. Do me a favor and don't tell Mello, kay?"

"Yeah ok, Matt."

* * *

L: Review...

Misa: Misa wanted to say that!

Matt: Why do you talk like that?

Misa: Like what?

Matt: Like this. *imitates Misa's voice* OMG MISA MISA LOVES LIGHT! OMG MISA LIKES THAT! OMG MISA EATS CINNAMON!

Mello: That last one was really random...

Misa: Misa does not talk like that!

Matt: YES MISA DOES!

Misa: Don't yell at Misa!

Matt: 'Kay I'm sorry.

Misa: Misa forgives Matty.

Mello:...Review, favorite, follow...all that good stuff. *smile*


	15. Jelly

L: Enjoy the chapter...

* * *

"Matt do you know the answer?" My teacher asked.

"...Umm...negative three." The class laughed.

"Quiet down, children. Matt, were you paying attention?"

"Yes Mrs. Gurwell."

"No Matt. You weren't paying attention."

"If you know so much, why did you ask?" Mello asked.

"You're already on thin ice, young man. Be quiet and let me take care of this."

"Whatever." Mello rolled his eyes. Mrs. Gurwell crossed her arms.

"Would you like to be the teacher instead, Mello?" She said angrily.

"Now that you mention it, I would."

"Ok then, I'll just sit down and watch you then." Mello got up and went to the front of the room and Mrs. Gurwell sat in his seat. Mello taught our lesson that day. It was interesting, but he kind of...altered a few facts. Apparently, two plus two is now five, and the International Association of Mathematic Numbers(IAMN) got rid of the number four because they don't like the shape. For some reason I don't believe him...

* * *

"What should I be for Halloween?" I asked my friends. I had gathered them all in my room to ask them this important question. Near, Mello, and Amanda were the only ones who showed up even though I invited at least fifteen more people.

"A genie."

"Chocolate bar."

"Robot."

I can't be a genie because I don't have magical powers. I can't be a chocolate bar because I'll have to hide from Mello for obvious reasons. I can't be a robot because Near suggested it.

"...I've got it! I'll be a pirate/ninja/ghost hunter!" I yelled.

"...What?" They all said in unison.

"A pirate/ninja/ghost hunter."

"How the hell would that costume look?" Mello asked.

"Awesome. Will you guys help me?" I said. Near got up and left the room. Mello and Amanda nodded.

* * *

Mello had driven us to the store to buy things for my costume.

"Hmm...what do we need to buy first?" I asked.

"A pirate costume and a ninja costume. We'll just find some way to combine them." Mello said. We walked over to the costumes. Hmm...so many to choose from. ...I should just buy all of them. We all grabbed carts and shoved as much as we could in them...this kind of reminds me of when Mello and I go chocolate shopping. When we were leaving, the cashier gave us a weird look. We walked out into the parking lot.

"...Where did we park?" Mello asked. I shrugged.

"This is bad. We have all this crap and can't find the car."

"Mels, I think we parked in Section B or something like that."

"It was Section A." Mello said.

"No. Section B."

"Matt. I know what I'm talki-"

"Look, it's Batman." I pointed to the Batman cosplayer getting out of a car. Mello's eye twitched.

"It's...IT'S FRIGGIN BATMAN! I LOVE YOU!" Mello yelled, running toward Batman. He tackled him.

* * *

Light: Batman? Really?

Mello: What's wrong with Batman?

Light: Nothing, I guess.

Mello: Are you hating on Batman? Are you a hater? Have you been eating those hater tots and drinking that haterade?

Light:...What?

Matt: You're an allihater?

Light:...What is an allihater?

Matt: It's an alligator but it's also a hater. Allihater.

Light: I'm a human being.

Mello: So you don't like animals? I knew it.

Light: They're okay...

Matt: You probably eat cute little kitten ears.

Misa: Misa's Light is not a kitty eater!

Matt: But Misa's Light is Kira. Boom. I win.

* * *

"Hello citizen! How may I help you?" Batman said.

"Marry me." Mello said with a straight face.

"I don't think I can help you with that, young lady."

"I'M A BOY!"

"I'm sorry, son."

"It's okay...just...marry me. Please!?"

"...You know I'm just a cosplayer, right?"

"...Y-you're a fake?" Mello asked. He looked heartbroken.

"Yeah, man. Chill out...Please stop crying...don't make that sad face. C'mon, cheer up! Batman doesn't even exist." That last sentence made Mello go berserk.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BATMAN ISN'T REAL?! SUPERMAN ISN'T REAL! AQUAMAN ISN'T REAL! BATMAN IS THE REALEST PERSON ON THE PLANET!" How dare he say Aquaman and Superman aren't real?!

"Ok, ok...I'm sorry. Just calm down, man. Batman totally exists."

"And don't you forget it!" Mello yelled and stomped off.

"He's really interesting..." Batman said.

"Yes. I'm very sorry you had to witness...that."

"It's cool. I thought he was one of those crazy people."

"He is."

"...Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"That's not cool, man."

"Yeah."

* * *

After we found Mello and the car, we dropped off Amanda and went back to Wammy's. It was just before lunch time so Mello and I decided to go bother the cooks.

"Hi, Ms. Cindy. Hi, Ms. Heather." Mello said, sitting on a counter in the kitchen.

"Hey Mello and Matt." They both said.

"What's for lunch?" I asked.

"Meatloaf." Mello and I cringed. We'll probably just go get pizza...

"And don't y'all even think about going to get pizza. I'm watching you." Ms. Heather said.

"This here meatloaf is going to be good. Stay and eat it. If I see any of you give it to Near, I'm gonna be really angry." Ms. Cindy said. This makes me so unhappy...

"...Can't you just make spaghetti instead?" I asked. Ms. Heather laughed.

"No." We left the room pouting. We looked at each other.

"What kind of pizza do you want, Mels?"

"Hawaiian."

"Ew. No."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Putting pineapples on a pizza is wrong...it's just wrong."

* * *

Light: That sucked.

Bambi:...Excuse me?!

Light: It sucked.

Bambi: Well then maybe I should just drop kick you out of the story.

Light: I'm not even in the story.

Bambi: If you don't like my writing, then write your own story.

Light: Okay.

* * *

The Wonderful World of Wammy's (Written by Light Yagami)

Matt and Mello's day was boring and uneventful.

The End

* * *

Near: You didn't even mention me...

Matt: You're so jelly

Light: I wish you all would speak like normal people.

L: He means you're jealous.

Light: Of what?!

L: Of everyone...because you haven't been mentioned in the story.

Light:...

Mello: Even Misa has been mentioned.

Matt: I think he feels sad.

Light: I'm not sad.

Matt: You look sad.

Light: Well...I guess I am a little sad...

Mello: Hehe...

Light: I'm over here trying to be God of the New World and you won't even give me a chance to be recognized.

Matt: Why was "God of the New World" capitalized?

Light: Because it's my new occupation.

L: So you're admitting to being Kira?

Light: I never said that. All you know is that I have a god complex.

Mello and Matt: That's kind of scary.

L:...I think it's time to end the chapter...

Mello: Review or I might draw a mustache on Near while he's sleeping...Hmm...I'll probably do it either way.

Roger: Not on my watch.

Matt: You're not wearing a watch.

Light:...Sometimes you can be a little dense, Matt.

Matt:...what does that mean?

Light: I'll explain in the next chapter...


	16. Tay Tay and Trevor

A/N Enjoy!

L: Yes. Enjoy.

Matt: BambiLuran still doesn't own Death Note.

* * *

"OH HELL NO! OH HELL NO! GET OFF ME! LET ME GO! LET ME GO RIGHT NOW!" Abby yelled. She just found out that Dave is the father of two-year old Chris.

"I knew he was the father! I told you, Near!" Mello yelled. Near, Mello, Amanda, and I were watching one of those shows where they do dna tests and tell you who's kid is who's.

"We should go on one of these shows." I said. Everyone got quiet and stared at me.

"Do you happen to be someone's baby mama or baby daddy? If not, I don't think you're eligible to be on it." Near said.

"We could all just pretend..." I said.

"You can't exactly fool a dna test, Matt." Near said.

"It's all for show, they probably don't even really do a dna test." I said.

"And where would we get a kid?" Mello asked. I pointed to Amanda.

"She's too old."

"I'm only eight, blondie."

"Watch your mouth, kid."

"Make me."

"Will you guys just stop fighting? Please?" I said. "First we need to get together all the people we would have on the show. Then we need to go shopping." I started to write a list.

People who should be on the show:

Matt Mello Near Roger Amanda Nicole

* * *

Light: Can I be on the show?

Matt and Mello: Hell no!

Light: Can I be in the audience?

Matt: Maybe.

* * *

When I called Roger he hung up on me. He was mumbling something about cowboy hats...When I called Nicole, she said "Yeah, sure. Totally. I'll be there."

Yeah? Sure? Totally? I don't think it was necessary for her to confirm it three times.

* * *

Misa: Stop staring at Misa!

Matt: I'm not staring at you!

Misa: Misa's gonna get a restraining order!

Matt: Not if I get one first!

Mello and Light: *sigh*

L: Stop fighting children.

* * *

Mello, Near, Nicole, Amanda, and I piled in my car and went to the store.

"Aren't you a little young to drive, Matt?" Nicole asked.

"You're, like, fifteen so you have no room to talk." I said. She rolled her eyes.

"When we go on the show, who's gonna be who?" Mello asked.

"I think you and Near should be the guys who could possibly be Amanda's father and I'll be Amanda's mom and Nicki should be my sister that slept with Near while we were dating. Oh yeah, I cheated on Near with Mello, which is why you'll both be present."

"You're gonna be a girl?" Mello asked. I nodded.

"Interesting." Near said.

"We need fake names." Mello said.

"Yeah, I already thought about that. I'm Tay Tay, Nicki is Laura, Amanda is Nevaeh, Near is Cole, and you're Trevor."

"...So, Tay Tay cheated on Cole with Trevor and Laura slept with Cole?" Amanda asked. I nodded.

"We should practice." I said.

* * *

PRACTICE TIME

"And so then gurl, I was like 'Oh no the hell you didn't' and she was like 'Uh huh'!" I yelled. Laura nodded.

"OH MY GOSH GURLLAHH!"

"Mom...shut up." Nevaeh said. I let go of the steering wheel and turned to her.

"LITTLE GIRL! SHUT UP BEFORE I COME BACK THERE AND WEAR YOU OUT!"

"Watch the road!" Cole yelled.

"SHUT YO CHEATIN' ASS UP, COLE!"

"You cheated on me first...with Trevor."

"WHO YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH, COLE?!"

"Laura."

"OH HELL NO!"

"LET GO OF MY WEAVE TAY TAY!" Laura yelled.

"OH HELL NO!"

Near POV

This is kind of scary...weave is flying everywhere and Matt completely stopped paying attention to the road.

Matt POV

"Mom! Let go of Auntie Laura's hair! Auntie Laura! Let go of mommy's hair!" Nevaeh yelled.

"DON'T GET IN GROWN FOLKS BUSINESS NEVAEH!" I yelled.

"Watch the road!" Trevor yelled.

* * *

Light: I have a question.

Matt: What is it?

Light:...Who is Nevaeh's father?

Matt: Watch the show and find out.

L: Ah yes, I found out some time ago. I'm surprised you haven't figured it out yet.

Light: Am I the only one who doesn't know?

Misa: Misa doesn't know.

Matt: What DOES Misa know?

Misa: Misa knows she is more famous than you. Misa knows she is prettier than you. Misa knows her favorite color.

Mello: Does Misa know what continent she's on right now?

Misa: Umm...Mexico?

Matt: Misa needs to put on her glasses because her eyes are deceiving her if she thinks she's prettier than me.

Light: Where are we anyway?

Mello:...I don't know...we COULD be in Mexico for all I know...

L:...

* * *

"...Do you hear that?" Mello asked. I nodded.

"Yup. Those are police sirens." I said.

"Pull over!" Near said.

"Speed up!" Mello yelled. Hmm...should I pull over or speed up? I'll pull over.

I stopped the car and a policeman approached it.

"Hey kid. Judging by the inside of this car and the way you were driving, an altercation took place. Is everything okay?"

"Yes sir. Everything is fine."

"It doesn't look that way. The last time I saw that much weave pulled out, the swat team had to be called."

"...What?"

"It's a long story...Anyway, were you and this young lady in the passenger seat fighting?"

"No sir."

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"How is that relevant?"

"I just need to decide what kind of abuse this is...dating abuse, child abuse, friend abuse, family abuse, cousin abuse, plant abuse..."

"...Plant abuse?"

"...You see some crazy stuff being a cop..."

"I'm fairly certain no plants were abused in this car."

"YOU WERE DRIVING PRETTY RECKLESSLY!" He yelled...very loudly.

"Yeah...and you just made my eardrums explode."

"Are you gettin' sassy with a cop?

"No sir."

"DON'T GET FRESH, YOUNG MAN!"

"What is your issue, dude?"

"My name is not dude. My name is Officer Grey."

"...I'm tired...bye." I sped off. Soon after, Officer Grey hopped in his car and chased after us. Amanda and Mello started yelling profane things at him through the window. When I thought we had lost him, I rode back to Wammy's. We all walked upstairs to my room...Roger and Officer Grey were waiting for us...I looked behind me.

Everyone was gone.

...Why is it that whenever something bad happens, I'm the only one to get caught?

"Listen here, boy. Roger and I have come to an agreement. I won't lock you kids up and he'll just punish you instead."

"...Officer...please just lock me up..."

* * *

"This is all your fault." Mello said. Near, Mello, Nicole, Amanda, and I were cleaning the dining hall.

"I don't even live here...This sucks." Amanda said. She was cleaning the windows. A guy decided to walk, with his muddy boots, right through the dining hall and back across...

"Now I'm pissed. I just cleaned this. HEY KID! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!" Mello said. The boy turned around and smirked. Mello pushed up the sleeves of his leather jacket and approached him.

"Clean it up."

"Make me." Oh no...

* * *

We were all in Roger's office.

"Mello, what made you think it was appropriate to push that boy's face against the floor and drag him around?" Mello literally wiped the floor with him.

"He told me to make him clean it. So I did."

"Matt, what made you think it was appropriate to help Mello?"

"He looked like he needed help...I gotta look out for my broski."

"...Broski?" Roger asked.

"It's like brother...but without the 'ther' and with a 'ski'."

"This is one reason I hate kids." Roger said.

"Why do you work in an orphanage if you ha-" Mello started.

"DON'T QUESTION MY DECISIONS!"

* * *

Later that day we finally got out and went shopping at the mall...and guess who was there?

* * *

Light: Me?

* * *

No. It was not Light Yagami.

It was Officer Grey.

"Hey kids, how're you all doing."

"Suckish." We all said.

"Well if you weren't out for a joy ride, I wouldn't have stopped you! You better not do that again!"

"You're a mall cop right now so you can't do anything."

"I can kick you out of the mall! So don't start anything." He rolled away on his Segway.

"Hey guys, we should go start something." I suggested.

* * *

"I need a bright red miniskirt, blue fish net stockings, a yellow tube top, and orange leather boots." The lady who worked in the store (Natalie) looked at me weird.

"Don't judge me." She nodded and left to get my things. I turned to my friends.

"What're you guys getting?" I asked.

"Chocolate."

"G. I. Joe."

"Sparkles."

"Stuff." So I guess we'll finish our shopping adventure in the next chapter...bye.

* * *

Matt: Hi. I'm back.

Light: Hooray. *sarcasm*

L: This is the end of the chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review.

Mello: AND YOU SHOULD FAVORITE AND FOLLOW!

L: There is no need to yell at the nice people, Mello.

Mello: Sorry...bye...


	17. Batman is NOT in this chapter

Light: Enjoy.

L: That's my line...

Light: *pout* I don't care.

* * *

Matt: SOMEONE is grumpy today.  
Light: You guys are so annoying.  
Matt:...Then why are you here? Don't you have to go kill criminals or something?  
Mello: I heard he's killing jaywalkers now...  
Matt, Mello, L, Near:...*stares at Light*  
Light:...What?  
Near: *blinks*Why would you kill jaywalkers when you and L jaywalked across the street to get here?  
Light: I don't kill jaywalkers. It's a very minor offense, so I'll forgive it.  
L: So you admit to killing?  
Light: No! You tricked me! That's not what I meant!

* * *

I tried on my outfit and came out of the dressing room. Nicki and Mello looked at me with disapproval. "You need eyeshadow."

"You need higher heels."

"Longer weave."

"Curves."

"...I'm a dude so it's a little hard to get that last one." I said.

"Nuh uh. Toilet paper works wonders. Let's go find you a bra, Matty." Mello said. We all ran off to the bra section...It feels weird being over here.

"Matty, I don't think weave is your thing. Let's just get you a wig." Mello said, handing me a bra.

"But...weave is so fun to play with." I murmured. Near handed me a roll of toilet paper...where did he get it from? Magic. He's a wizard. I knew it.

"No Matt, I'm not a wizard. I went and got it from the bathroom." HE'S IN MY HEAD!

After we left the mall I called the people who controlled who was on the show. I started using my girl voice.

"Hey, I'm Tay Tay! How is you doin'?!"

"Hey Tay Tay. I'm doing very good today. Why are you calling today?"

"Me, my daughter, my dumb ass sister, my cheatin' ass ex-boyfriend, and my current cheatin' ass 'bout to be ex-boyfriend. I need to know who the father is."

"I doubt it's your sister..."

"WELL DUH!"

"Don't yell at me."

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M GROWN! I'M GROWN!"

"How old are you?"

"...Sixteen."

"Interesting. When can you come meet us at the station?"

"Anytime."

"How about Thursday?"...It's Tuesday...and the show is filmed in America. YAY! INTERNATIONAL ADVENTURE!

"Thursday is great." I hung up and faced my friends.

"PACK ALL YOUR CRAP! WE HAVE TO BE IN THE U.S. BY THURDAY!" Amanda and Nicki went home and Near went to his room. Mello started throwing chocolate bars into his suitcase. After we all met up again outside of Wammy's, I booked a flight. FIRST CLASS!

The flight left at 6pm today. It's noon.

"Okay guys, we have about five hours to kill before we have to go to the airport." Mello took a nap, Near played with a puzzle, Amanda played with a doll, Nicki and I played video games.

"You're pretty good...for a chick." I said. She rolled her eyes.

"You're pretty good for a guy."

"No. I'm awesome for a human being."

"Yeah, yeah...am I driving to the airport?"

"Hell to the naw. I'm driving this time."

* * *

"Slow down, Matt! You're gonna get us killed!"

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT I'M GONNA DO, MELLO!"

"CHILL OUT, MATT!"

I heard police sirens.

"I told you." Mello said and folded his arms.

"Did everyone pack a warm jacket?" Amanda asked.

"That was kind of random, but, yes. I did pack a warm jacket." I pulled over...and friggin Officer Grey stepped out.

"License and registration." I pretended to look for it.

"Ah. I'm sorry...I seem to have left it in my other hat."

"I'm getting a little tired of seeing you kids this much. Should I call Roger to come retreive you?" Oh no...when Roger leaves Wammy's...things go wrong. I would feel terrible if I caused that.

"Naw, it's cool." I drove off. I don't think he followed me this time. When we got in the airport we saw someone. Guess who?

* * *

Light: Me?

Matt, Mello, and Near: NO IT'S NOT YOU!

* * *

We saw Watari.

"Oh crap." Mello, Near, and I said in unison. So L is probably here and L is a detective so...

"Hi L." I said. I knew him well enough to know he was probably an inch behind me. I turned around and I was right...kind of. Instead of an inch, he was thisclose.

"Hello Matt."

"Hi L." I repeated.

"Hello Matt."

"...Hi L." I backed up a few feet.

"What brings you to the airport?" Watari came over and asked. Everyone tried to look innocent.

"..." We didn't respond.

"Maybe you didn't hear me. I said 'What brings you to the airport?'"

"We...uhh..." I tried to think of something to say.

"WE'RE GOING ON AN INTERNATIONAL ADVENTURE!" Amanda yelled.

"You JUST went on an international adventure." Watari said.

"Yeah...but this time it's different. We wanna go to L.A. to get on a show." We should find a way to get on a game show while we're there...

"What show?" L asked.

"Umm...It's called...Wat'z yo IQ."...I just made that up...

"When will you be back?" Watari asked.

"...Next friday, I guess..."

"...Sounds good. Have a nice trip." They walked away. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath the whole time. I exhaled and we walked to the gate.

* * *

I like first class. It's, like, really nice.

* * *

Light: Can I be on the plane?

Matt: If we let you on, we might as well let Beyond Birthday on as well. So we can have an even number of murderers.

Light: I take offense to that.

Matt: Okay, Kira.

* * *

Mello was eating chocolate ice cream, Near was playing with a puzzle, Amanda and Nicki had dissappeared, and I was falling asleep...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

* * *

Light: You can't just fall asleep in the middle of a story!

Matsuda: It's not his fault. He's just a kid, maybe he was just tired.

Mello:...Where did you come from?

Matsuda: My house.

Mello:...Ok...

*Someone knocks at the door*

Light:*opens door* What are you doing here, Grandma?!

Light's Grandma: Hi Peanut! You're mom told me you were here with your friends, so I came to visit!

Light: Please don't call me Peanut in front of people...

Light's Grandma: Aww Peanut! I'm sorry if I embarrassed you!*pinches Light's cheeks* I remember when you were little! You used to be so chubby! Remember when we sent you to fat camp?! You made so many new friends! Are these your friends from fat camp?!

Light: No, Grandma. They aren't from fat camp.

Light's Grandma: You get home soon, okay Peanut? I'll be waiting for you, Light.*leaves*

Everyone but Light:*laughs really hard*

Matt:*on floor laughing* IT HURTS! MY STOMACH! IT HURTS!

Mello:*on couch laughing* I CAN'T BREATHE!

Near:*falls on Matt* THAT WAS TOO MUCH!

L: You're grandmother is very funny...Peanut.

Light: It really isn't funny...you guys suck.

* * *

I opened my eyes and yawned. I don't know how long I had been asleep, but it was light outside and we were landing.

"We drew a mustache on you while you were sleeping." Near said. I grabbed the mirror from Mello's pocket...I had a mustache on my face...

"I think that was permanent marker..." Mello said. I think I'm gonna go cry now...We got off the plane and rented a car so we could go find a hotel. When we found one, we asked if all of our rooms could be connected and the guy was like "Yeah."

We had only been in the room for five minutes when we got noise complaints.

"I heard dogs barking in here! Make them stop!" A woman yelled at us.

"Yeah okay, you probably hear voices too." Mello said and closed the door.

* * *

Light: It's the end already?

L:...Yes Peanut.

Light: Shut up!

Misa: Yeah! Misa's Light doesn't like being called Peanut!

Light: You be quiet too, Misa! You were laughing with them!

Misa:...Misa was laughing at an entirely different thing...

Matt: Guess what, Misa.

Misa: What?

Matt: Peanut.

Misa:*giggle*

Light:...Review, follow, and favorite...

Matt: You didn't say please.

Light: Please.

Matt: No one likes you. L needs to say it.

L: Review, follow, and favorite.

Matt: That's better.


	18. Mello IS in this chapter

Mello: You know we're gonna call you Peanut for the rest of your life, right?

Light: Unfortunately.

Matt: Did you see your Grandma when you went home?

Light: Yeah...

Mello: Did she make her little Peanut some cookies?

Light:...maybe...

Near: Tell us a story about fat camp.

Light: I lost a LOT of weight...

Mello: How old were you?

Light: Can we not talk about this?

Matt: If he doesn't wanna talk about his past let's just leave him alone...

LATER THAT DAY

Matt, Mello, Near, and L:*at Light's house*

Mello:*knocks on door*

Light:*opens door* Oh hell no.*slams door*

Matt:...that was kind of rude...

Light's mom:*opens door* Ohhh! Are you Light's friends I've heard so much about?!

Near: Probably.

Light's mom: Come in!

Matt, Mello, Near and L:*goes in*

Matt: Can you tell us about Light going to fat camp?

Light's mom: Yes! He was nine. *shows them a picture of Light before going to fat camp*

Light: Mom! I thought I burned all of those!

Mello: What in the world were you feeding him?

Matt: How much do you weigh now, Light?

Light: 119 pounds.

Near: You were so chubby...

Light: You guys are so mean.

Matt: But now you're too skinny.

Light: I just can't win with you people!

Mello: You make it like it's our fault that you can't find your ideal weight...

Light's Grandma: I made cookies!*comes out of kitchen with a tray of cookies.* Ohh! We have guests! Would you boys like some cookies?

Matt, Mello, and L: YES!

Light: No. They were just leaving.

L, Mello, Matt:*eats cookies*

Light:...save me some...

L:...Where did Near go?

Light: You're a detective...go find him.

Light's Grandma: THAT KIRA PSYCHO PROBABLY KILLED HIM! THAT NUT IS JUST GOING AROUND KILLING FOLKS!

Light:...You have a problem with Kira?

Light's Grandma: Yes!

Light:...I see.

Matt: The dark side really does have cookies...

*awkward silence*

Light's Grandma: Kira needs to be found and executed! You can't just go around killing folks like that!

Light: But Kira kills criminals. When you think about it, he's actually SAVING lives.

Light's Grandma: Murder is still murder, Light! Now shut up and eat the damn cookies!

Light:*eats the damn cookies*

Near:*murmurs*I didn't get any cookies...

* * *

At the moment, I was trying to find a way to remove the mustache my friends had drawn on my face.

"Should I try bleach? Would bleach work?" Near smiled...it was scary.

"Sure." He said. Hmm...I don't trust him...I walked back to my room and looked in the bathroom mirror...This kind of sucks...Mello and Nicki walked up behind me.

"That can probably get covered up with makeup..." Nicki said.

"Who exactly drew it? And who provided the marker?" I asked. Nicki and Mello glanced at each other and shrugged. They make me so angry...

"I'LL KILL WHOEVER DID THIS!" I yelled, chasing them. Somehow we ended up in the lobby and a little girl pointed to me.

"Look at that freak, Mommy!"

"I WILL CUT OFF YOUR PIGTAILS!" I yelled. Her mom grabbed her and ran into the elevator.

"You can't just threaten to cut off a little girl's pigtails." Near said.

"Mello did it in another chapter, so why can't I do it?"

"It's different."

* * *

Light:*walks in room*

Matt:*stands up* We have something to say to you, Light.

Light: What is it?

Matt: On behalf of Near, L, Mello, and myself, We're sorry for treating you so mean...

Light:...Who's making you apologize?

Matt:...Nobody.

Light: No, seriously. Tell me.

Matt: The author of this crack fic.

Light: Why?

Matt: Do I look like a mind reader?

*awkward silence*

L:*walks in* Hey Matt, hey Peanut.

Light: Apology not accepted.

* * *

Amanda had locked herself in a closet and we were trying to get her out. I heard her start crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I lost her!"

"You lost who?"

"Priscilla!"

"Your doll?"

"Yeah!" She started crying harder.

"Don't cry...I'll buy you a new one."

"I don't want a new one...I want Priscilla."

"Unlock the door and we can go look for her."

"I looked everywhere! I can't find her!" I picked the lock and opened the door. Amanda was sitting in the corner crying. I picked her up and walked out of the closet.

"When was the last time you saw her?" I asked.

"Umm...a few hours ago." She sniffed. I sat her on the bed and started going through the room...Hmm...I went and got her bag of toys. Looking in there for a while, I realized it wasn't there...

I wouldn't be surprised if Near stole it. That little-albino-sheep-nerd-clone-creating-no-social-skills-telling-me-to-wash-my-face-with-bleach-pajama-wearing-soulless -eyed-looks-like-he-wants-to-eat-my-soul-and-barbeque-my-fingernails-and-juice-my-hair-toy-stealing-freak.

* * *

L: How would one go about juicing hair?

Light: And barbecuing fingernails?

Matt:...I was frustraited...I have no idea what I meant by all that.

Near:*walks in* Sorry I'm late, what are we talking about?

L: Amanda lost her doll and Matt is trying to find it.

Near: I heard you say something about fingernails being barbequed...What was that about?

L:...Umm...I wonder if we have cake...*goes to kitchen*

Misa:*walks in*

* * *

I eventually found Priscilla in Amanda's suitcase. I handed to her and wiped her tears. She smiled.

"Thank you, Matty." She murmured.

* * *

Misa: Aww...that's so sweeeeet! Misa didn't know Matt could be that nice!

Light: I doubt it's going to last. He'll probably be back to being homicidal soon.

Matt: Light, I'm a_ very_ kind person. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Light: I didn't expect you to.

Matt:...What's that supposed to mean?

Light: We should order pizza...

* * *

I decided to play music very loudly. I played Remember the Time by Micheal Jackson on repeat for about twenty minutes until someone knocked on the door. I opened it.

"Hey man, that's some good music you playin' up in this piece. My friends and I were next door straight jammin'." A guy, about my age, told me.

"Fo shizzle. I beez playin' da jams up in this piece, foreal."

* * *

Light: It would be great if this story was written in English.

Matt: It would be great if you would stop interrupting.

L: Both of those would be enjoyable.

Light: Seriously. Can someone translate that for me?

Matt: The guy said "Hello. The music you've been playing in this room is quite enjoyable to my ears. My friends and I were delighted and started to dance." and then I said "Yes. I tend to play beautiful music in hotel rooms. It is true."

Light:...what does straight jammin' mean?

Matt: They were getting down straight up, cuz.

Light:...We're not cousins...

Matt:...We need to get you hip.

Mello: Straight up, cuz.

* * *

I just realized that it's still Tuesday and it's only 1pm...time zones are so confusing.

Wait...that means we got here in, like, an hour or something...Cool.

"Tomorrow night, we throwin' a Halloween shindig, you down?" He asked.

"I'm down. Where dis shindig gon' be?" I asked.

"Down the street at that big silver looking building, at around 7 is when it starts, man. I gotta go now, man. I see you when I see you." He left.

* * *

Light:...Where's the rest of the chapter?!

Bambi:...just be happy I wrote this much...

Matt:...You ran out of ideas, didn't you?

Bambi:...No.

Light: LIES!

Bambi:...I was gonna give Light over here a chance to be creative and finish it for me.(translation: I ran out of ideas for this chapter)

* * *

MEANWHILE-SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY

Teru Mikami: DELETE!

* * *

Matt:...I feel a disturbance in the force.

Light: *glare* Write. The. Chapter.

Bambi:...No need to be mean...

* * *

"Let's go interview people as reporters." I said.

"Sounds fun. We need a van, a camera, and a microphone." Mello said.

"Cool. I saw all that stuff in the hotel parking lot."

"If you take it that's stealing." Near said. He loves to ruin things...

"It's not stealing if you give it back, it's borrowing." Mello explained.

"I refuse to be a part of this crime." Near said. Mello and I shared a glance.

"Who said we were giving you a choice?"

* * *

We had tied Near up and put him in the van. Amanda and Nicki were willing to go so we didn't have to resort to that with them. Mello got in the driver's seat and...started driving.

We made our way to nice little neighborhood with kids riding bikes and people having barbeques and stuff. I was the camera man, and Mello was the reporter. We got out of the car and stopped a man taking a jog.

"Hello sir. How do you feel about the recent killings in this neighborhood?" Mello asked him. The man looked shocked.

"There were murders?!"

"Yeah."

"This neighborhood never has stuff like that! This is crazy! I can't believe it..."

"Okay..."

"What happened?!"

"...Umm..." Mello looked at me.

"Uh...a guy used a magical notebook to kill some people..." I explained. I can't believe I just made up something as stupid as that...

"That's ridiculous!" The man yelled and ran off.

"What's ridiculous is those shoes you're wearing!" Mello yelled. I scolded Mello for being mean and we continued down the street in the van we borrowed.

"Let's crash that barbeque." I said. Mello looked confused.

"You mean like...literally crash into it? Or go in uninvited?"

"The second one."

"Oh okay, cool." We untied Near and we all got out. We walked into the barbeque.

"Who are you?" A lady asked.

"...I'm sorry ma'am...we're orphans...and we thought maybe you would be kind enough to feed us." I said. It wasn't a lie. The woman teared up.

"Aww, you poor things! Eat as much as you want! Lola! Go get these orphans some food!" She said.

"What are your names?" A little girl asked me. Amanda grabbed my hand...in a possessive way. She needs a chill pill...

"I'm Matt, the white thing over there is Near, the small one clinging to me is Amanda, the absurdly dressed one is Mello, the other thing is Nicole, we still don't know WHAT she is." I said. I received glares from four different people after saying that.

"...What?" I asked. The little girl ran away.

* * *

Light: I am content now.

Matt: Well, after I tell you what I heard, you'll be ecstatic.

Light: What did you hear?

Matt:*whispers in Light's ear*

Light:*unmanly squeal*

Mello, L, Near:...

Light: Ahem...what I meant was *manly bellow*

Mello: What did he tell you?

Light: He said that he heard I was getting my own story!

L: Just hope it's not yaoi.

Mello: Yeah, it's probably more yaoi with you and L, or some other stuff with you and Sayu, or something about how you actually love Misa.

Light: You love ruining my life, don't you?

Mello: I wouldn't say LOVE...but I do like it a lot.

Bambi: I AM writing a story for Light. It is NOT yaoi. It most likely won't be updated as much as this one. It IS a crack fic. L IS in it. Matsuda is in it...I'll post it when I think of a good title.

Light: Hehe...review...


	19. Smooth Criminals Who Steal Stuffs

HALLOWEEN

So...do you guys remember that guy from the last chapter? The one Light had trouble understanding? Yeah...I'm at his Halloween party right now.

"Hey Matt...look." Mello pointed to our left.

"Oh yes!" I yelled. He was pointing to a hot dog eating competition. I ran toward it screaming. - An hour later

"...At least you won..." Mello said. At the moment, I was puking my guts out.

"Hey Mello...is he gonna be well enough to take me trick or treating?" Amanda asked.

"Don't mind me. I'm just over here dying, nothing to worry about." I said. Amanda narrowed her eyes.

"...I have a feeling you're being sarcastic."

* * *

Light: I can't help but notice, this Halloween chapter is a little late.

L: Just a little.

Matt: You guys kind of remind me of old ladies. Hey Misa! Don't they remind you of old ladies?

Misa: They _do_ remind Misa of old ladies...

Light: Why?!

Misa: Oh...I thought Misa's Light acted like an old lady on purpose! Misa is sorry!

L: What about me reminds you of an elderly woman?

Matt: No! It's not just you by yourself! It has to be you _and_ Light! You guys act like old ladies together!

Light: How so?

Matt: *takes everyone to an old lady's house*

Two old ladies:*on the porch, in rocking chairs*

Old Lady 1: Mmm...did you hear about Fiona getting married?

Old Lady 2: Mmmhmm...yeah.

Old Lady 1: I can't believe that girl is getting married again.

Old Lady 2: Mmmhmm...yeah.

Old Lady 1: She's getting married to a handsome young fellow.

Old Lady 2: Oh, you mean Steven? Mmmhmm...yeah.

Matt: See.

Light: How do we act like that at all?

Matt: You're always commenting on stuff and you're always in other people's business.

L: These nice women were simply spreading the news of Fiona and Steven's upcoming marriage.

Near: Spreading it on toast and eating it with a chicken patty.

Matt:...What?

Light:...Was that supposed to make sense?

L: Probably not.

Near: I meant it literally.

Mello: You can't literally spread an event that hasn't occurred yet on toast and eat it with a chicken patty.

Old Lady 1: GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU ROTTEN KIDS! *throws jellybeans*

L: *takes out bag**collects jellybeans from ground*

Light:...You're not _really_ going to eat those, are you?

L:...five second rule.

Light: That's disgusting.

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

Last night was pretty boring, except for when we went trick or treating and a lady gave us all earrings shaped like pizza slices. Today was the day we went to the studio to talk to the people about getting on the show.

I drove us there around 9am. We were stopped at the entrance by a man.

"Ahem. Hey sweetie, can you please tell me your name?"...Sweetie? WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HE THINK THIS IS?! Oh wait...I'm dressed as a chick...oh yeah...I still don't like being called sweetie...

"My name is Tay Tay! That's T-a-y Tay!"

"...Ok then...go on." He said. I continued driving and then parked.

"Ok folks, get your fat selves out of my car!" I yelled. We all got out and entered the building. Mello screamed.

"IT'S JUST LIKE IT IS ON TV! OH MY GOSH! IT'S AMAZING!"

"Calm down Mels." I said. The place looked empty...

"YO! CAN WE GET SOME HELP UP IN HERE?!" I yelled. A woman appeared and walked up to us.

"Are you Tay Tay?" She asked.

"I ain't Santa Clause!"

"...Ok...come on back here so we can talk..." She said. We followed her into a different room. There was a table and chairs in it. We all took a seat.

"Ok, for starters, my name is Jade. Please tell me your story." She looked at all of us.

"Ok, so what happened was...eight years ago I had a kid. I don't who the father is, but I know it's one of those two over there." I pointed to Mello and Near. "So, after that, Cole started sneaking out the house with Laura and I was like 'Oh hell no!' so I threw him out! Then I got a new boyfriend whose name is Trevor, I have reason to believe Trevor is cheating on me _right now_ because when I ask him about it, he won't even look me in the eye. Laura and I have always had problems, when we were little, she used to flush my dolls down the toilet."

"Can you tell me something about your daughter?"

"No...she's not important."

"...You said you were sixteen, right?" She asked.

"Yeah..."

"...So you had your daughter when you were eight?"

"Wait...huh?...You tricked me! That's not what I meant!"

"...I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you're not really a girl...and that the kid next to you isn't your kid, or even related to you for that matter. I'm also going to say that none of you are over the age of fifteen and that you were simply bored and randomly decided to be on a show one day. You're probably not even from this country."

"That's surprisingly accurate." Near said.

"Yeah. I know. So here's what we're gonna do, I really want to have you guys on this show, because you're really interesting. So I'm gonna give you all my contact information so we can stay in touch until you can be on the show. We have lots of people who audition to be on the show so...I'm gonna push your show date to three weeks from now, instead of three months." Our mouths dropped open..._did she just say three weeks?_

Mello jumped on the table, slid across it, and got in Jade's face.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THREE WEEKS, WOMAN?! THOSE CRAZY PEOPLE PROBABLY WON'T LET US GO ON ANOTHER INTERNATIONAL ADVENTURE FOR A YEAR! WE NEED TO BE ON TOMORROW!"

"Well, the show is only on once a week, and it's live...so you're lucky with what I'm giving you." She said. I sighed.

"It's okay guys, we'll find a way to get back to America. In the meantime we can make our own show to keep us busy." I said. Jade gave us her number and we left. Later that day we went to the airport and got on a plane back to Winchester. We were in the back of the plane.

"This is boring." Mello complained.

"Let's play truth or dare." I suggested.

"Ok...I choose dare." Mello said. I smiled evilly.

"Put your hair into a ponytail, go in the bathroom and make a toilet paper tube top, come back out wearing it, moonwalk down the aisle, and then put a grape in the flight attendant's ear."

Mello got up and went in the bathroom. I pulled out my video camera.

"Matt, that's really messed up. I can't believe you're gonna film him." Nicki said. I rolled my eyes.

"It's gonna make awesome blackmail material." Mello came out of the bathroom with his hair in a ponytail and his toilet paper tube top on. Near helped the situation by playing Smooth Criminal (by Michael Jackson) from his phone.

My best friend then proceeded to moonwalk down the aisle. A man whistled at him.

"Hey sexy!" The man yelled. Mello turned red and continued moonwalking until he bumped into a flight attendant. They stared at each other for a while.

"Can I help you, sir?" She asked. Mello looked thoughtful.

"...Can I borrow a grape?" He asked.

"Sorry...I don't have any grapes." She said and walked away. Mello pouted and came to us. I shook my head.

"If you can't complete the dare, you have to do a truth, too." I said.

"Hey! It's not my fault I can't find any grapes!"

"Too bad."

* * *

Matt: This club needs a name and a manager.

L: Who wants to be manager?

Light: *raises hand*

L:...Anybody?

Light: *sigh**still raising hand*

L:...Anybody other than Light-kun?

Beyond Birthday:*raises hand*

Mello: When did that freak get here?!

L: Okay, so we have Light and Beyond...we need to vote.

Light: Are you serious right now?!

L: *narrows eyes at Light* As a heart attack.

Matt: I nominate L.

Mello: Then we have three people to choose from.

The only ones officially in the group are Misa, Matt, L, Light, Near, Matsuda, and me. That is seven votes.

Light: Beyond isn't even in the group!

Beyond: It was never mentioned as a requirement. Which means I can be in the election.

Near: It's an election now?

Light: This is madness...

L: It is The Wonderful World of Wammy's, actually.

Matt: So...it's not just manager anymore? It's president?

L: Correct.

Mello: You guys have five minutes to make up some speeches and convince us to vote for you.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Light: I plan to organize this club so that everyone will know what time the meetings are and when to show up at least a day before they happen. I plan to add a

game room, chocolate, puzzles, and more computers.

L: Where is Light-kun getting the money for all of this?

Light: We're going to have fundraisers.

Near: Do you plan to expand the clubhouse?

Light: I'm adding a game room.

Matt: Got my vote.

Mello: It's Beyond's turn now.

Beyond: I like jam. Vote for me.

Mello:...L's turn.

L: Ahem. Unlike the other candidates, I am not a murderer-

Light: I'm not Kira!

L: Yes, yes. We've heard it a thousand times. As you can see, Kira stood up and told filthy lies in his speech. I am not going to lie to you. I plan to take three giant robot seashells and ride them to Jupiter and back, all in under one second.

Matt: Do it.

L:...Would you like to see it again?

Matt: I have the strangest feeling that he didn't actually do it...

L: Why would I lie? I'm L.

Matt: Good point. I believe you.

Mello: Let's vote and then have Matsuda count them.

L: Bad idea.

Mello: Misa?

L: Bad idea.

Mello: Matt?

L: Hell no.

Near: Where are Matsuda and Misa anyway?

Light: *calls Misa*...Where are you?

L: What did she say?

Light: They went to go get ice cream.*hangs up on Misa* They'll be back in a few minutes.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Matsuda: We're back.

Light: We're having an election for who should be president of the club. You can vote for L, Beyond, or me.

AFTER ALL THE VOTES HAVE BEEN COUNTED (by Near)

Near: The winner is...Light Yagami...

Misa: I knew Misa's Light would win!

Matt: I think Misa's Light will be a good president.

Near: Now he needs a vice president.

Light: I choose Matsuda.

L:...Light-kun is not my best friend anymore...

Matsuda: Why me?

Light: Because the position fits you nicely.

L:*pulls Light outside*

Matt, Mello, Near, and Beyond:*eavesdropping through the back door*

L: Why did you make _him_ vice president?! I'd rather you make _Misa_ vice president!

Light: I know multiple people in that room were thinking about killing me when I became president so...it's a kind of protection. No one will kill me if they

have to be stuck with him.

L: I think you're just paranoid.

Light: You're probably thinking about killing me RIGHT NOW.

L: Oh no, I would never think like that. You're the first friend I've ever made.

Beyond:*cough cough* bullshit *cough*

L: I don't like your accusatory tone, Beyond. I would also appreciate it if you four would stay out of my conversations in the future.

Matt: We should get back to the story because this is starting to get long and weird.

* * *

"Near. I dare you to go to jump off the plane." Mello said. I scolded him.

"You aren't allowed to dare people to do things that will harm them." I said. Mello rolled his eyes.

"Okay then...what would you do for a Klondike bar?" Mello asked Near. Near sighed.

"I don't like Klondike bars."

"...If you did like them, what would you do for one?"

"Buy one."

"That's a terrible answer!" Mello screamed. Near looked out the window and said "Okay."

"Matt. I dare you to smear peanut butter and jelly all over yourself and then go and sing Peanut Butter Jelly Time in the middle of the aisle." Amanda said.

"Airport security took my peanut butter _and_ my jelly." I pouted. They also took the bowl of cereal I was eating at the time.

"Hey, look! Mini televisions!" Nicki pointed to the television inside the seats in front of us. I wonder how they got them inside the seats...they probably had

wizards do it.

* * *

I think Nicki did that to distract us from our game of truth or dare. It worked. The next time I thought about the game was when I stepped into my room. I looked

out the window and saw little white things coming from the sky...weird. I went to Roger's office. He was sitting with his feet up on his desk, his eyes closed, and

a content look on his face.

"Hey Roger, we're back."

"Hello Matt. I've been waiting for your return, lovely child." He is strangely pleasant today...I'm a little terrified.

"Roger...I'm scared..." I said quietly. He opened his eyes and smiled at me.

"Come sit down and we can talk about it." I went cautiously into one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"Have you finally snapped?...Are you really gonna go through with the death threats this time?"

"Heavens no! Today is just a lovely day, is all! You're such a bright young man, brat...I meant Matt. You should surely be with your friends, out and about like

teenagers do on lovely days like this." Who is this man? Why is he not insulting me? This is freaky!

"My friends?"

"Oh yes! Those nice young people you associate with. Mello, the enthusiastic blonde one and Near, the cute little white-haired genius."

"...I think I'm gonna go find a corner to cry in." I said, getting up.

"Have fun with that Matt." Roger said as I left. I ran up in my room and locked the door. Clearly, something freaky was going on...

I wonder where Mello went...he just kind of disappeared. I called him and he said he was at the chocolate store because he heard a storm was coming. I decided to

go to Near's room and bother him. I was stopped by an old lady half way there.

"Hey, boy. Wanna hear a secret?" She said. I nodded.

"I caught 'em all."

"...Pokémon?"

"No! All of Roger's bad emotions. I caught 'em all and put them in a bag and then buried them in a shoebox."...I must find that shoebox.

"Where is the shoebox?"

"In a special place...haha..hehe...MUAHAHAHAHA!" I walked away from her and decided to go back to my room. A few minutes later, Mello walked in, carrying

nine bags of chocolate.

"That's ridiculous, Mel-" The lights flickered. When they came back on, Mello and I stared at each other and then at the floor.

"THOSE HOODLUMS STOLE OUR CARPET!" We yelled. It's amazing how fast they stole it.

"THERE IS NO WAY THEY STOLE IT THAT FAST AND GOT OUT WITH IT! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" I yelled. We started looking around the room for signs that

they had been here or were still here.

I saw some marks on the ceiling and then heard a sneeze. It didn't come from Mello and it didn't come from me. Mello pointed his gun in the direction of the

sneeze, which came from under my bed.

"If you come out right now, I might not rearrange your face." Mello said. I looked under the bed. Our carpet was rolled up under it. I unrolled it and was met by

the faces of three boys.

"...Can I help you?" one of them asked.

"You better hope I don't _help_ you out the window." I said.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Mello asked, looking under the bed.

"To be completely honest...we were planning to steal everything in your room, but when you guys came back we just hid under the bed. When the lights went out,

we felt we had the perfect opportunity to take the carpet...I'm so sorry...Can you please find it in your heart to forgive three poor orphans?"

"Aww...Did you hear that Mello? They're orphans...that's so sad." Mello hit me in the head.

"Everyone here is an orphan, you moron." ...Maybe that's why it's called an _orphan_age...I get it now.

"Can't we just deal with them in the next chapter? I feel like getting some hot chocolate right now." I said. Of course Mello wanted hot chocolate.

"You guys stay right there until we come back, okay?" I said. The three kids nodded and Mello and I left.

* * *

Light: My story has been posted.

L: You mean _our_ story.

Matsuda: I'm in it too.

Mello: We've come to the end of another chapter.

Matt: It's so sad.

Misa: Misa's going to cry.

Someone knocks at the door

Near:*answers door*...

Mikami: I'd like to join your club.

Near: Well...um...the thing about that is...*slams door and locks it*

L: Who was that?

Near and Light: No one.

L: Can we impeach Light-kun?

Light: Stop being mean and leave me alone.

L: Okay, Peanut.

Light:...*punches L*

L: *kicks Light*

Matt:*pushes Light and L apart* There shall be none of that. Now apologize and say something nice about each other.

Light: I'm sorry...you're a smart person.

L: I'm sorry Light-kun is a murderer. I'm sorry Light-kun has Justin Beiberish hair.

Mello: He has a new style no-

L: Shut up, Mello. I'm sorry Light-kun is going to stay in jail for the rest of forever when I find some good evidence of him being Kira other than the way he eats potato chips. I think Light-kun is a good liar. *smile*

Matt:...Close enough.

Matsuda: *smile* Review, favorite, and follow...please.


	20. The Man with a Plan

A/N It's been a while since I updated...here's a new chapter! I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or Batman.

* * *

Of course, when we got back, the three boys were gone. I then had to convince Mello not to shoot them into last Tuesday for disobeying us.

"Mello, stop plotting murder for a minute and listen to me. Some lady told me she stole all of Roger's bad emotions and put them in a shoebox and buried them."

"That's ridiculous." Mello rolled his eyes.

"It might be, but I think she did something to him...to make him happy."

"So...you wanna play detective and find this shoebox?" Mello asked. I nodded happily. I grabbed my magnifying glass and put on a trench coat so I could look

more like a detective.

"Where did you find this lady?" Mello asked.

"In the hallway." The hallway was the first place we went. We looked around carefully for any trace of the woman.

"You boys lookin' for me?" Her voice said. Mello and I turned around.

"Yes. Who are you?" Mello said. The woman looked down.

"I know what you seek. Take this." She handed me a note. I opened and we read it.

Hello Wammy Boys. I am Viktor Treble. I have taken the real Roger Ruvie hostage and replaced him with a fake. I will give you one week to save him. If you tell

anyone else about this, I will be very angry. Trust me, you won't like me when I'm angry.

Mello and I stared at each other and then back at the woman.

"Who the hell is Viktor Treble?!" Mello and I screamed at her.

"You've never heard of Treble Mini Muffins?"...He's the guy that makes those mini muffins...weird.

"Those things are terrible!" Mello yelled. They taste like dirt. Dirt flavored muffins.

"Viktor used to go to Wammy's House, he left when he was sixteen because he didn't want to be a detective. He wanted to be-"

"A muffin man?" I interrupted. The woman rolled her eyes.

"No. He wanted to be an acrobat, actually."

"What's the beef between him and Roger?" I asked.

"...Excuse me?"

"What's the dealio? The scoop? The boom shakalaka hakuna matata?"

"What the hell are you saying?!" She yelled at me.

"I think he wants to know why he kidnapped Roger."

"...Who wouldn't want to kidnap Roger?" She asked. Mello and I looked at each other and then back at the woman.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"You can call me Shadow." OMG mysterious!

"...'kay...have a nice day, Shadow..." Mello said and we walked back to our room. I went on the internet and found Viktor Treble's number. I dialed it and waited

for him to answer.

"Hello?" This guy has a weird accent...

"Viktor Treble?"

"Ahh...hello Matt." His voice is scaring me...and he knows my name.

"Dude. Why do you talk like that?"

"...Why do YOU talk like THAT?"

"...Touche."

"I know you called about getting Roger back, so-"

"Psh, yeah right. I was originally gonna call to thank you, but then I decided that I didn't want some random guy that looks like Roger walking around Wammy's

House like a creep."

"...So...are you coming to get him or not?"

"Sigh...it depends."

"...On what?"

"If I feel like moving from this comfy spot on my bed."

"...Excuse me?"

"I'm about to go play some video games...bye."

"Hell no! What do you mean "bye"?! You better stay on this phone and try to figure out my location!"

"...While I was pretending not to care, I was also tracing this call...so...yeah."

"Wait...what?"

"See you soon." I hung up. The phone call came from London. I decided to handle this the easy way and assemble an army. I called everyone to the dining hall for

a meeting. I stood on one of the tables when everyone got there and made an announcement.

"CHILDREN OF WAMMY'S HOUSE! LISTEN UP! THE ROGER THAT HAS BEEN HERE FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS IS NOT THE ROGER WE ALL

KNOW AND HATE! HE IS AN IMPOSTER!" I looked down and saw Ling crack his knuckles.

"You know what we do to fakes." Ling and his pitchfork wielding angry mob marched toward Roger's office.

"ROGER HAS BEEN TAKEN BY VIKTOR TREBLE! SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW HIM AS THE DUDE THAT MAKES THE DIRT MUFFINS! TO

TAKE HIM DOWN, WE NEED TO ASSEMBLE AN ARMY-" Officer Gray walked in. Everyone sighed. Officer Gray put his hands on his hips.

"I know you kids aren't too fond of me-"

"YOU SUCK!" Someone yelled.

"But I want to help get Roger back here."

"WE DON'T CARE!"

"I really love you kids."

"GET OUT!"

"YOU SUCK!"

"WE HATE YOU!"

"LISTEN, YOU DAMN BRATS! I'M GOING TO HELP AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" Officer Gray yelled. Perhaps he should try using his

indoor voice. Everyone got quiet.

"Umm...so...we're gonna split up into teams. Team 1 is going to wait for him outside of his office building and then bring him to his house. Team 2 is going to be

waiting around his house just in case another team needs back up. Team 3 is going to find Roger. Team Batman is going to interrogate Viktor Treble after we

have found Roger and be ninja/pirate/ghost hunters or whatever the hell I claimed to be for Halloween. Obviously, Team Batman is the coolest team so of course

that's the team I'm on." I said.

"We need team leaders." Mello said.

"Oh yeah, I'm Team Batman's leader. Mello is Team 1's leader. Team 3's leader is Near. Team 2 is too awesome for a leader, and when I say they're too awesome, I

actually mean that I can't think of a good leader...so...MOVE OUT TROOPS!"

"This is so unorganized. What team am I on?" Officer Gray said.

"...The thing about that is...all of the teams are already full..so...yeah."

"You haven't even chosen who is on what team yet..."

"I SAID THEY'RE FULL, OLD MAN! SO KEEP STEPPING!"

"Stay calm, Matt." Mello said.

After my little outburst, I chose all the teams. - When we finally made it to his house, I broke in and the rest of Team Batman and me made ourselves comfortable in his house.

I called Mello to get an update on Viktor's whereabouts.

"Target captured."

"Excellent. You have done well, my chocolate eating friend."

Mello hung up.

I decided to wander around the house to keep myself busy until Team 1 or Team 3 told us something important. I walked down to the basement.

I froze in fear at what I saw.

Spiders. They were everywhere. In those little thingies you put fish in.

* * *

Light: Aquariums?

Matt: Yeah...

* * *

"Oh damn. Don't scream, Matty. Spiders are your friends...Spiders are your friends..." I said slowly to myself. I was still frozen in the same spot when I felt

something crawling up my leg...I looked down.

Random Person on Team Batman's POV

I heard a scream downstairs. I saw Matt run up the basement stairs. He was waving his arms around frantically.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"THEY HAVE TOO MANY DAMN LEGS! IT'S NOT NORMAL!" I always thought Matt was on drugs. Maybe he's just crazy...

"OH MY PLAYSTATION VITA! THIS THING IS ON MY SHIRT NOW! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He hopped out a window...

"MATT, ARE YOU OKAY?!" I yelled out of the window. He fell two stories down...ouch. He was just laying there on the ground crying. He probably has some

issues in his personal life...

Crying helps. I do it all the time.

Maybe I should call somebody...

"Mello? Matt just jumped out of a window. I think we should all leave the house. Maybe we should just stop the whole operation and do this on another day."

"...He jumped out of a window?"

Mello POV

Some guy just called me, saying that Matt jumped out of a window. Matt wouldn't just jump out of a window for no reason. He probably had a good reason.

Maybe he wanted to get out of the house because they found Roger already and he wanted to deal with Viktor himself...

I'm gonna go ahead with my assumption and tell everyone to stop what they're doing and that we can all go home.

"I hope Matt enjoys my arachnid collection." Viktor said. I had tied him to his computer chair and had it leaning against the wall.

"...Did you say arachnid?"

"Yes. Many exotic arachnids share my dwelling." So that's probably why Matt jumped out of the window...I hope we don't need to take him to the hospital again.

Matt has a severe case of arachnophobia.

Poor guy...

* * *

L: This chapter was satisfactory.

Light: I agree.

Matsuda: We never discuss this story even though that's why we started this club. Let's discuss it.

Light: Let's discuss_ my_ story.

L: Let's start with Light-kun and Matsuda's best friend Angelo.

Light:...Nevermind. Let's discuss_ this_ story.

L: I had a feeling you would say that.

Misa: At least I was mentioned in this story...I don't think I even exist in The Wonderful World of the Task Force...

Light: You probably exist.

Misa: Misa Misa's Light makes Misa Misa so happy!

Roger:...Can I have your autograph?

Misa:...uh...how did you get in here?

Matt: Good question. The security system is awesome.

Light: Not really. I saw some OCs that found their way in. They're hiding in the basement. They tried to attack me when I went to go get some things for the game room.

Matt:...But...I put a sign up that said "No OCs".

Light: Clearly, it is not working.

Matt: Who's your favorite OC, Misa?

Misa: Me.

Matt:...you're not an OC.

Misa:...what did you just call Misa?!

Matt:...what?

Light: My favorite OC is...me.

Matt:...YOU'RE NOT AN OC! AN OC IS SOMEONE WHO WAS MADE UP FOR FANFICTION!

L:...Thank you for using your inside voice.

Matt:...I can't take this anymore...*leaves*

The rest of the group:*looks at Matt through a window*

Light:...He'll be back...they always come back...

* * *

A/N This is probably filled with typos I didn't catch...sorry about that. I haven't been updating as much because I've been working on a lot of other fanfiction. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even if you didn't, tell me about it in a review and how it could have been better. Thanks for reading!

- BambiLuran


	21. The Man Who Forgot His Plan

A/N I just realized that I haven't updated in a while...so here you go! Enjoy!

* * *

Matt is in the hospital. Matt hates hospitals. Poor Matt.

By the way, this is Mello. This story isn't usually in my point of view...That means it's my time to shine.

That means I'm going to tell you all about my interesting life.

I like chocolate. I know that my brain uses a lot of calories, but I'm still surprised that I'm not fat yet. Yet.

My best friend is Matt. We live in an orphanage called Wammy's House.

When Matt and I were nine, we started a band. It was called Wammy Boys. It was called that because, we are boys and we live at Wammy's House, as I mentioned earlier.

Down the street, there is an old lady that we don't like. Matt was eating a muffin while walking past her house and she deliberately shot it out of his hand with a water hose, while yelling "I HATE ORPHANS!". She then proceeded to water us like plants. We went home angry and wet that day.

* * *

Light: Not that your boring ass backstory isn't interesting, but when are you going to get to the story?

Mello: YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO MY BORING ASS BACKSTORY UNTIL I'M DONE TELLING IT!

Light: No. I'm going to go wash my hair. If I come back and you haven't started the story, we're going to have a problem. You know how I love to solve problems. *goes to wash hair*

Misa: Oh no...Misa's Light is going to go wash his hair which means Mello has _at least _three hours to continue this boring ass backstory...

* * *

As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted-

* * *

L:...A chocolate truck just crashed and there are chocolate bars everywhe-

Mello:*runs out the door* WHERE?!

L:...Keep running...just a little further.

Near:*locks door*

Suddenly, there is a crash in the bathroom.

L: I wonder if Light-kun is okay...

Misa:*runs to bathroom**scream* IT'S THE OCS! THEY GOT MISA'S LIGHT!

L:...Unfortunate. Light-kun will be missed, but his memory will live on in our hearts forever...Who wants cake?

Near:*goes to look at the OCs*They aren't even from this story...

L: If I'm correct, the only members of the club here are Misa, Near, myself, and Light-kun who is being attacked. The time has come. We must fight these OCs.

Near:...Wait a minute...These aren't OCs...

L: Then what are they?

Near: Oh no...they're fangirls.

L:*runs out of the clubhouse and far away*

Near:...good luck, Light.*runs*

Light:*getting attacked by his fangirls*

Misa:*takes out death note* Shinigami eyes really come in handy...

* * *

Matt POV

I'm in the hospital and my whole body hurts. Really badly. According to my doctor, I'm on a lot of medication, so I may say or think odd things. I don't remember a lot of what happened...or of anything, really.

"I was watching apple sauce on TV." I told...Mindy...or was his name Charles? He claims to be my best friend. He was sitting next to my bed.

"No you weren't, Matty."

"Okay, but where's my pet Santa Clause?"

"You don't have Santa Clause as your pet."

"DON'T LIE TO ME, FOOFY!"

"My name isn't Foofy. I'm your best friend Mello."

"So you say..."

"Do you ever feel like you're being watched?"

"Yeah."

"I feel like...there are people commenting on my life. I feel like they watch me all the time. I feel like they have a club for it. I feel like the club president is a murderer."

"..."

"I also feel like...I feel really weird."

"Do you remember anything?"

"...Something about dirt muffins..."

"I'm going to go find something that will jog your memory."

"...Like a treadmill?"

"...Sure."

"Are you calling me fat?!"

"Bye, Matty. I'll be back." Mello left. He calls me fat and then he leaves. I picked up my phone that was surprising unscathed. I started to go through my texts.

Where is my chocolate, you fool?!-Mels

I'm not your slave, bitch!-Me

SHUT UP AND GET MY DAMN CHOCOLATE!-Mels

USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE, DAMN IT!-Me

I HATE YOU!-Mels

I HATE YOU TOO!-Me

...You don't really hate me, do you?-Mels

Lol no! We are besties!-Me

...Why are we so mean to each other?! Best friends don't do that!

I guess I'll just have to play along...

Hey Matty!-Amanda

Come to the chocolate store with Mello and me.-Me

I got homework.-Amanda

I didn't even know that you went to school...-Me

Of course I go to school!-Amanda

Who is this "Amanda" person?

Stop texting me. Leave me alone, Matt.-Near

I'M JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHEEP!-Me

I am not a sheep.-Near

Yes you are.-Me

Sheep can't type.-Near

Lies.-Matt

You are a lunatic.-Near

Thank you.-Me

I don't wanna be a lunatic anymore!

About an hour later, Mello came back with a large bag and three people.

"Matt. These people are Amanda, Near, and Mrs. Clark."

Mrs. Clark was holding a large water hose...

"I HATE ORPHANS!" She watered me like a plant...

"YOU'RE SO MEAN!" I threw a plastic fork at her.

I looked at Near. He kind of DOES remind me of a sheep...

"DAMN THIS! YOU'RE TOO AWESOME FOR AMNESIA!" Mello yelled and took a frying pan out of the large bag. My eyes got big.

"Whoa man! That's uncalled for! Put the frying pan away and we can just talk calmly about this!" I pleaded. I really wasn't up for getting hit with a frying pan today.

"I'm sorry, Matt..." He hit me. I hope I remember this when I wake up.

So I can kick his ass.

* * *

Light: You just HAD to kill them...

Misa: Misa is sorry!

Light: It's okay. Help me get rid of the evidence.

Light and Misa:*dragging all the crazy fangirl bodies to the woods*

L:*hiding behind a tree in the woods**sees Light and Misa*...*mutters*and this is the ONE time I left my video camera at home...

* * *

"...Mello."

"...You know who I am?"

"...Run."

"Ok, Matty." Mello left the room, quickly. I jumped out of the uncomfortable hospital bed and ran to find that blonde asshole so I could kick his ass back into 2012.

Mello was nowhere in sight.

As I was running down the hallway-

* * *

Matt: How the hell am I running down a hallway and I just fell out of a two-story window?! A lot of people don't even survive stuff like that!

...

Matt: Is anyone here?

...

Matt:...Hello?...Am I late for this meeting or something?

* * *

Ahem, as I was saying.

As I was running down the hallway, I slipped on a very conveniently placed banana peel and fell on a kid.

I got up and then pulled up the little boy I fell on.

"Hey, guess what." The boy said.

"What?" I asked.

"I said guess!"

"...Umm...macaroni and sweatpants?"

"...No."

"Grape juice and heart attacks?"

"You're terrible at this game."

"...Christmas trees and mouthwash?"

"...Just give up and let me tell you a story."

"Ok."

"I made some milkshakes. I put them in the yard. After that, I waited. I waited for hours. Eventually, I noticed that all of the milkshakes were gone. I hadn't been paying attention and they disappeared. The next day, I did the same thing, but this time I paid more attention. My mother then called my name. I ran into the house to see what she wanted. She yelled at me because, apparently, all of the boys were in the yard. I went back outside and saw that my milkshakes were gone again!"

"...What the hell are you talking about?"

"I could say the same thing to you, my friend."

Kids are so weird these days.

...I blame television. - "So...it worked?" Mello asked. After I had finally found him, he apologized and we went back to Wammy's House.

"I guess. Quiz me."

"Who-"

My phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey Matt! It's Jade! I just wanted to remind you that the show is next week!"

"What show?"

"...Are you serious?"

"...Who is this?"

"Jade Williams...casting director from The Michael Van Allen Show."

"Oh...it's all coming back to me now."

"Get your hind quarters in America by Sunday so we can rehearse. The show is on Tuesday. See you soon." She hung up.

I looked to Mello.

"Continue what you were saying." I told him.

"Who occasionally beats us with sticks?"

"Roger."

"Who created evil clones that almost destroyed the world?"

"Near."

"Who likes chocolate."

"My best friend."

"Who created the dirt muffins that are infecting the world?"

"Viktor Treble...Those damn muffins."

Mello POV

"Do you remember how you got hurt?"

"...I was walking around around and...I went to the b-b-basement..." Matt burst out in tears.

I sighed.

"MAN THE HELL UP!" I yelled and slapped him in the face. He started to cry more.

"THIS IS NO TIME TO ACT LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! WALK IT OFF SO WE CAN GET ROGER BACK AND COME BACK TO THIS DAMN MISERABLE INSTITUTION WE LIVE IN!" Wow. Our future sounds positive.

That was sarcasm.

"I need a minute." Matt ran into the bathroom.

...Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at him. It was kind of mean...

* * *

A/N In my opinion, this chapter wasn't very good at all, but maybe it's just me. It took me a long time to update because I had to get my computer fixed. And then I decided to draw pictures instead of writing. And then I got sick. And here I am now, posting this...

Anyway, I hope it made someone out there have a good laugh! It would make me happy if you guys reviewed, too! It might help me get better which means that I'll write better chapters which will make everyone happy! Reviews fuel me! I EAT THEM FOR BREAKFAST!

...not literally, though...they just make me write faster...

This author's note is getting dreadfully long so I'll end it. Read, review, favorite, follow, all that good stuff.


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